# 3 am physical abuse



## XMULE (Nov 8, 2015)

So I woke at three AM to my GF hitting me.

For farting in bed. She farts in her sleep. I think its cute. What's the problem here?

Now I'm drinking coffee, and smoking. Haven't farted since, did she scare me? Into not farting?

Farting in bed. Deserving of a beating? Gentlemen... Discuss!


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## sideKahr (Oct 15, 2014)

If she woke me up at 3AM, she would have to help me get back to sleep. It takes a lot of help, sometimes, if you know what I mean. Fair is fair.


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## XMULE (Nov 8, 2015)

lol yeah. I should go back to bed and bring up the subject...


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## gambit (Sep 14, 2015)

when we were in bed once the dog 'small' jumped on top of the bed and at some point farted and it was awful and i got the blame that day due to i made Moroccan lentils
which i will post that recipe one day its very good with flat bread,


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## darsk20 (Jun 1, 2015)

gambit said:


> when we were in bed once the dog 'small' jumped on top of the bed and at some point farted and it was awful and i got the blame that day due to i made Moroccan lentils
> which i will post that recipe one day its very good with flat bread,


Between the me, the dog and our son my wife has no chance. She might as well join in.

She has claimed to have been woken up by either or both the reverberation and smell.

Please post the Moroccan recipe. Need a new lentil soup.


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## shootbrownelk (Jul 9, 2014)

XMULE said:


> So I woke at three AM to my GF hitting me.
> 
> For farting in bed. She farts in her sleep. I think its cute. What's the problem here?
> 
> ...


 The problem here as I see it, is that YOUR farts stink and hers don't. Correct me if I'm wrong.


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## GTGallop (Nov 11, 2012)

Speaking from experience - some of those early AM farts have been laying around in your gut all night and get pretty ripe. Also if you were little spoon and blasted ass on her with a hot sulfurous dose of noxious methane, it could have been worth a beating.


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## Camel923 (Aug 13, 2014)

Your a prepper. Buy her a surplus gas mask for when it gets rough.


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## TacticalCanuck (Aug 5, 2014)

Hey, gas happens. Pass the remote.


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## spirit_B_wild (Aug 9, 2015)

Does she beat you as punishment? Does she she think that beatings cease flatulation? Keep doing it. Do it on purpose. Pull the sheets over her head. She might get used to it and not make a big stink about it...lol. That might end you up on the sofa tho. I say pass the gas as you wish. I doubt she'll leave you over it.


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## csi-tech (Apr 13, 2013)

I use a Cpap machine. During the night most of the air is being pumped into my lungs. A smaller, but still appreciable amount is being diverted to my stomach. This causes an excessive buildup in my digestive tract. As a consequence, the stoichiometric ratio in my bedroom can reach toxic levels in the morning. Fortunately if she is sleeping I can let fly these 30 megaton explosions and blame them on the dog whenever she wakes up and vomits.


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## Deebo (Oct 27, 2012)

I used a cpap. It does make for some SUPER sounds


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## tinkerhell (Oct 8, 2014)

Lol I can't say that my cpap makes me fart, but whenever i am able to smell my own fart, i know it is a bad one.


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## Quip (Nov 8, 2012)

Story 1. I was married at the time that my wife told my son (5 at the time) that women never farted. I told her not to lie. She insisted it wasn't a lie. The next morning I woke him up early and we waited in the hall outside of her bathroom. About 2 minutes into the wait, she let several rip. She walked into the hall and found us both laughing. He was on his back kicking his feet in the air laughing. After the ass chewing we got we decided she was right. Women don't fart. 

Story 2. I fell asleep in bed watching a movie with my girlfriend. I awoke to her laughing so hard she was red in the face and seemed unable to speak clearly. When I asked her wtf was going on I was informed that I had farted so loudly I woke myself up. At least this one had a sense of humor about it. The 1st time she farted (that I heard) I just smiled and said welcome to the family.


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## Urinal Cake (Oct 19, 2013)

Dutch Ovens usually get you a beatdown... especially if it contains fartnutz!


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

I am beginning to wonder if this entire forum has a bad case of gas.


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## darsk20 (Jun 1, 2015)

A Watchman said:


> I am beginning to wonder if this entire forum has a bad case of gas.


We're all gas bags. Some of the stinky variety others of the hot air variety.


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## bigwheel (Sep 22, 2014)

If it smells like Chanel #5 I wouldnt worry about it.


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## Cheesewiz (Nov 16, 2012)

Two words ... Dutch Oven ....


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## Boss Dog (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm happy to report I have been farting alone at night for many years now. Ah-h the small pleasures of life! :laughhard:


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## GTGallop (Nov 11, 2012)

csi-tech said:


> I use a Cpap machine. During the night most of the air is being pumped into my lungs. A smaller, but still appreciable amount is being diverted to my stomach. This causes an excessive buildup in my digestive tract. As a consequence, the stoichiometric ratio in my bedroom can reach toxic levels in the morning. Fortunately if she is sleeping I can let fly these 30 megaton explosions and blame them on the dog whenever she wakes up and vomits.


Ditto.
I use to use a full face mask like the F-15 Eagle pilots wear but it jammed my gut so full of air I woke up like a football. I was so full of air, I couldn't sit upright some mornings. I'd have to roll (literally) out of bed and walk around for 30 minutes until I off gassed enough to be even remotely comfortable. Some mornings I had to wait to go to work until I farted down small enough to fit in my clothes. Then I switched to a nasal pillow and it doesn't jam near as much air into my gut. But I still fire off the 5:00 gun when the alarm goes off - then she flees and goes to make coffee.

I've realized that if my wife ever leaves me, my sleep apnea will render me single for the rest of my life. I don't care how good the nookie was, no woman wants to be ejected from the bed by an ass cannon. My only hope will be to work as a male prostitute for older women with delicate hips.


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## tinkerhell (Oct 8, 2014)

LOL I have been spitting my coffee through my nose reading about this. I, too, have a 5am cannon, it never occurred to me that it could be the CPAP machine because I've always had the cannon locked and loaded in the mornings.

I will have to assk the wife.


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## Mad Trapper (Feb 12, 2014)

XMULE said:


> So I woke at three AM to my GF hitting me.
> 
> For farting in bed. She farts in her sleep. I think its cute. What's the problem here?
> 
> ...


Pull the covers over her head, fart, then wake her up.


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## turbo6 (Jun 27, 2014)

Mad Trapper said:


> Pull the covers over her head, fart, then wake her up.


Ah, yes. The "Dutch Oven". Worse than passing gas in the car with the windows up and sure to ruin someone's day.


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

This thread continues to get smellier and smellier as it goes on.......... someone has to flush it down the toilet eventually.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

Some people think this is amusing. I don't! The media talks about how women are abused by men beating them. However there is next to nothing about how women abuse their man. If this is an isolated incident, so be it. If not, you need to talk with her and explain that it is the last time. If You had hit her, would she have called the police? My father (from when the father was king of the house) beat my mother and for that fact he also beat us. I have never and will never touch my wife in anger or in any other way harm my wife. BUT it goes both ways. One of the guys at work came in with a black eye and numerous bruises, etc. First told me he got into a fight, protecting his wife. But his story strayed to many times. Finally broke down in tears and admitted the truth. I've read (in print for what it's worth) where men are unwilling to do anything that would make them look like wimps, so they take the abuse and don't say anything to prevent themselves from looking like wimps to friends and family. Be careful.


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## XDs (Nov 24, 2015)

Yeah I was gonna suggest what Spirit did. If you're gonna take a beating ya might as well make it worth it.


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## Chris Jacobsen (Nov 24, 2015)

She would be at the curb for trash pick up.. there is no reason for it.


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## XMULE (Nov 8, 2015)

Well.

I didn't see this thread going the distance when I posted it.

Thanks for the stories and laughs guys, lol. 

For anyone worried for my safety, or the possibility of an abusive relationship, no worries, I do appreciate the concern.

She didn't even remember the incident.


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## SGG (Nov 25, 2015)

My gf farts in her sleep too. I may have awaken her with my laughter but never violence lol
She's admitted to shoving me during my sleep for snoring. I never remember tho haha


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## SGG (Nov 25, 2015)




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## Ralph Rotten (Jun 25, 2014)

As an old married guy I have to point out that the official rule is that as long as you keep the farts under the blankets it is within the law.
She prolly had her face under the blankets. Lucky she didn't go blind, eh?


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