# Serious "WHAT WOULD YOU DO" Question



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

I'd prefer your answer be qualified;
A. I don't have teenagers but...
B. I have had children but never had to deal with this...
C. I have dealt with this situation or something very similar...

Here's the sitution;

A Married Couple that we know have an 18 year old son. The 18 year old has been a behavioral problem for them since he was very young starting at around 6 years old. We've known them for years, they are well to do and live in a small but affluent college town community a few states from us. 

The 18 year old progressed from behavior problems, to drugs/alcohol, DUI, and most recently attempted suicide and assault with a deadly weapon. I've known the Mom and Dad for well over 30 years and the son for most of his life, seeing him about once or twice a year.

After the last DUI,Assault with DW and Attempted Suicide. The family put him in a high dollar wilderness camp for wayward kids. 4 months living in the mountains, carrying what you own on your back, preparing and cooking your own food and sleeping in a platform tent outside. Assault charges were dropped and DUI stuck and suicide attempt was offset by the camp counselors etc.

He returned supposedly a changed young man. He toed the line for about 6 months, got good grades, played ball and then last week gets busted for drugs, alcohol and other petty bullshit.

What would you do?


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## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

I'll go first;

I've had children but never had to deal with something like this. 

My suggestion is to kick kid out of the house, stop ALL support and wish him the best. Oh and make sure that he is always invited over for Sunday dinner or a Friday night game night, but he CANNOT live in the family home or financial support.

What say you?


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## StratMaster (Dec 26, 2017)

I don't think there's any secret parent stuff which works to turn this around. When it's your own kid, I imagine it's mighty tough to accept that eventually they have to be treated and regarded as you would any other addict. After trying and failing to help a couple times, you become an enabler... and are likely being exploited for your caring. Hard stuff to swallow for sure, maybe watching your own kid struggle, and only left hoping they will hit bottom and turn it around. Addiction doesn't care if you're a mother, a father, or any other loved one. Addiction is served first.


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## Prepared One (Nov 5, 2014)

I have never had kids of my own, so I understand why some would think me so hard when dealing with this problem and would think me such a cold SOB, but I have watched this from the outside looking in with numerous "friends" of mine growing up. Once it goes so far, it never ends well. Cut your ties, save yourself. When it's done, it's done.


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## Chiefster23 (Feb 5, 2016)

Been there, done that.
After years of pain, heartache, sorrow, divorce, losing a house, and over half of everything I ever worked for my whole life, I cut him loose. In the last 3 years I had exactly one 1- hour conversation with him and everything he told me during that conversation was a lie. It’s extremely painful but you gotta totally cut them out of your life or they will destroy you without any remorse. Addicts only care about themselves.


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## 2020 Convert (Dec 24, 2020)

Been lucky enough that my own kids stayed out trouble like this. 

Was back visiting my buddy, whose kid, my sons friend, was involved about mid stage of you description. Opioids handed out like candy on a D1 scholarship. My friends paid for a treatment center and he had just gotten out.

They thought he was changed. He had but it was too far the other way. Almost like he was selling sobriety. I told my buddy this and to keep his eye open. Sure enough, I was right.

A year in lockup, almost another in halfway. We will see what happens.


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## Tanya49! (Jun 20, 2020)

B. For me! It’s a tough call but he’s 18 and if both parents agree he should be let go.He’ll either sink or swim nothing you can do but let him know that you love him and hope he gets it together.


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## SOCOM42 (Nov 9, 2012)

Slippy said:


> I'll go first;
> 
> I've had children but never had to deal with something like this.
> 
> ...


I agree with you opinion.

I have one kid, age 32 now, lives with me, never a problem for the most part.

Had a few differences when in her late teens, but that passed.

Make sure the locks are changed, he will steal everything to feed the drugs if he hasn't already.

Had that happen to a friend on mine, had a gun collection worth a lot of money.

He did not know the guns were gone until the FBI showed up at his door.

One was used in a bank robbery in RI, he was devastated over the loss.

A couple of years later the kid was killed in a drug deal gone bad, they never caught the perps.

One of those guns was The WW2 H&R M1 carbine trial gun, was give to him by Gene Reising, was 1 of 3.

He was the one who did most of the work on it, was Gene's assistant.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

Sounds like you're describing my kid. No ADW, mental hospital instead of camp. In Navy and looking good for 2 years, 
I really had high hopes. In Navy said he tried to commit suicide, I doubt it, got discharge. Got married, wife dumped 
him. Got girl PG, girl was smart enough to dump him. Now married 3 times, etc., etc. and it got *worse* with 
drugs.
Finally couldn't handle all the problems, was teraring me and wife apart. Told him to go away, and not contact us. 
We saw him at funeral for my brother for a few minutes. We haven't seen him for about 23 years now. Wife and 
I are doing well without him. It was a matter of survival for us to break off all contact. Expecting to hear he died of
overdose, some day.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

The first thing that caught my attention is that the problems started at age 6.

He doesn't need wilderness training. He needs medical attention. What are those doctors called whose expertise with the thyroid gland, etc? If not that doctor, maybe a neurologist?
Substance abuse is a problem, obviously, but I don't think it is the root problem.
Were the youngun able to explain what is going on with him, I think the word _tormented_ would be used.


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## stevekozak (Oct 4, 2015)

I'd try bruising his kidneys a time or two before I gave up on him. To Denton's point, you could be right, but he may also have had shitty parenting. I have dealt with a lot of kids in my lifetime, and barring actual out and out mental disorders, it almost always comes down to parenting when it is showing up early and late.


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## Chipper (Dec 22, 2012)

Being it started at age 6 it's a parenting problem. Problem is he's 18 now. Which also is the solution. See ya buddy. 

Would have never made it to 18 with my dad.


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## hawgrider (Oct 24, 2014)

Sounds like the boy needs a new direction...

Out the front door!


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## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

Yep,

I had the same agreement with our Sons as my Dad had with me; At 18 Years Old, move out, become a man and make your own way in life.

Best thing for a young man ever. 

Can't change my mind on that one.


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## hawgrider (Oct 24, 2014)

Slippy said:


> Yep,
> 
> I had the same agreement with our Sons as my Dad had with me; At 18 Years Old, move out, become a man and make your own way in life.
> 
> ...


It's the only way.

At age 17 my dad told me "live under my roof live under my rules." Instantly the light bulb lit up in my head and I moved out the next day.


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## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

I think his parents are caught up in what their social circle will say so they do things that are not effective but accepted by their income class.

Last time I saw the kid, I was at their hunting club with them. The "kid" was an offensive lineman, a weight lifter and popular in school and in social circles. He easily outweighed me by 20 lbs or so, and I'm not a small man. Even at 17 years old he was somewhat intimidating. He challenged me to arm wrestle him and I accepted, beating him quickly. 

We walked outside and sat down on some rocking chairs to enjoy the quiet evening and he said, his "Dad always let him beat him in arm wrestling and I didn't. Why was that?"

I remember my answer...I thought about it for a moment and finally told the kid, "because you don't learn shit when people give you wins."

He got quiet and whispered more to himself than to me something about for his entire life, he was handed wins and never had to work for it. 

I wish I had talked more to him that night.


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## 2020 Convert (Dec 24, 2020)

Slippy said:


> I think his parents are caught up in what their social circle will say so they do things that are not effective but accepted by their income class.
> 
> Last time I saw the kid, I was at their hunting club with them. The "kid" was an offensive lineman, a weight lifter and popular in school and in social circles. He easily outweighed me by 20 lbs or so, and I'm not a small man. Even at 17 years old he was somewhat intimidating. He challenged me to arm wrestle him and I accepted, beating him quickly.
> 
> ...


You can't blame yourself for that night. I used to take my buddy's kid all over and coach him in wrestling.

At 50 at 140lbs, I would jump in live against a 215 lb kid. I coached at a different High school than the kid and my son. I never gave any kid I jumped in with a break.

Even dumped the 285 state champ I coached on his butt. They learn respect that way.

The only thing in retrospect I wish I did, was be even stronger in my admonition to my buddy who blew off a DIII coach from a fine school. At the time I just said, J could have great DIII career, you may not want to put all his eggs in one basket.


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## Kauboy (May 12, 2014)

Anybody committed to overcoming their bad decisions MUST sever all contact with their bad acquaintances.
Sounds like the kid was on the right path, staying clean, and getting is act together.
Then his stoner buddy calls him up and convinces him to hang out again. Like all gutter trash, the old friends can't stand to see one of their own improve themselves, and have to pull them back down again.
If you don't cut out the enablers, you WILL fall off the wagon.

Bless mom and dad for putting up with it, but eventually you have to start seeing your kids as just another person you care about. If you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your best friend, there's no reason to put up with them from your adult children. Psychologically speaking, it's damaging to parents who feel responsible for the actions of their adult children.
No.
You have to tell them straight and lay out the ultimatum.
_"We only socialize with clean and functional people. Fix yourself, or don't come around anymore. The fact that we're blood related has no bearing once you're reached adulthood. Shape up, or you're gone."_


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## StratMaster (Dec 26, 2017)

Denton said:


> The first thing that caught my attention is that the problems started at age 6.
> 
> He doesn't need wilderness training. He needs medical attention. What are those doctors called whose expertise with the thyroid gland, etc? If not that doctor, maybe a neurologist?
> Substance abuse is a problem, obviously, but I don't think it is the root problem.
> Were the youngun able to explain what is going on with him, I think the word _tormented_ would be used.


I think this is a wise observation. I have come to believe that children are NOT blank slates, but are often born with a proclivity to a certain temperament. These differing temperaments can lead to different life choices. My brother and I are fairly successful people, doing quite well in our chosen disciplines: by successful, I mean my brother is likely the word's foremost authority on military satellite optics. Kicks a$$ in that field. My two sisters (one of which is dead due to constant drug usage) are near sociopathic exploiters who never developed themselves in any capacity at all. Nothing. Raised in the same environment, by the same parents. I have, over time, noticed a pattern in my family: you are either born to aspire to great things, or you are an abysmal lunatic. I am thankful my own two kids never gave me the remotest issues: one (my son) became a nuclear engineer, the other (my daughter) a senior brand marketing manager at a $12 billion dollar app company in L.A. But looking at my family history, I know it could have gone the other way. We are not all born the same, even within the same lineage. JMO.


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## StratMaster (Dec 26, 2017)

hawgrider said:


> It's the only way.
> 
> At age 17 my dad told me "live under my roof live under my rules." Instantly the light bulb lit up in my head and I moved out the next day.


Ha! I left at 17 too. Pretty full of myself. Nearly starved for several years. Playing git-fiddle in night clubs kept me from it. And made me grow up some and learn more skills.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks to @Slippy, I am moving this thought stream to this thread.
My bad.
I have an idea about this.
I knew I had a problem when I was young but what was I to do? I didn't know how to communicate any of it.
Drugs? I was always against drugs so it never came into the scene. Alcohol? Violence? Oh, those things were well within my wheelhouse.
i
It was years beyond my teen and Army years that I had a clue. That's how it works. You have to figure shit out if you're doing it alone. Maybe you will, maybe you won't.

Here's the thing. I apologized to my parents about a year ago. I was a shit that they didn't deserve. Them? They knew something wasn't right but didn't know what to do.
We know a lot more, today. There's no reason why that young man's life has to be a wreck. He needs help. He might not even know that there is help for him, but that's the thing. How much is his life worth to his loved ones? I hope his loved ones treasure his life, because he might not, right now.


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## 2020 Convert (Dec 24, 2020)

StratMaster said:


> I think this is a wise observation. I have come to believe that children are NOT blank slates, but are often born with a proclivity to a certain temperament. These differing temperaments can lead to different life choices. My brother and I are fairly successful people, doing quite well in our chosen disciplines: by successful, I mean my brother is likely the word's foremost authority on military satellite optics. Kicks a$$ in that field. My two sisters (one of which is dead due to constant drug usage) are near sociopathic exploiters who never developed themselves in any capacity at all. Nothing. Raised in the same environment, by the same parents. I have, over time, noticed a pattern in my family: you are either born to aspire to great things, or you are an abysmal lunatic. I am thankful my own two kids never gave me the remotest issues: one (my son) became a nuclear engineer, the other (my daughter) a senior brand marketing manager at a $12 billion dollar app company in L.A. But looking at my family history, I know it could have gone the other way. We are not all born the same, even within the same lineage. JMO.


Where I would disagree, is with my own son. Problem in Daycare, kindergarten, 1st grade. 2nd grade got a teacher that recognized the problem, the kid used to wear clothes to imitate the teacher. 3rd-5th same story of he is a problem.

Got the kid involved in sports, it was used to control the problems. He started wrestling varsity in 8th grade. This is where I say things can be influenced. The other kid I had mentioned in this thread did not have this.

Sent him to a CC college where he had wrestling as an outlet, after 7 years of school he got his bachelors. He only finished because I told him how it adversely affected me not having one. 6 yrs for my Daughter getting her DPT Doctorate.

I tried to get him into into job training in HS, but the district would only do it for kids that were a real problem like drugs.

Long story short- daughter-Doctor, Son- Prison Correction Officer with possibilities of promotion because he has a degree. And I will guarantee with that sports toughness, he will not be successfully challenged. It's the same toughness that most people think I was military.


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## 2020 Convert (Dec 24, 2020)

Denton said:


> Thanks to @Slippy, I am moving this thought stream to this thread.
> My bad.
> I have an idea about this.
> I knew I had a problem when I was young but what was I to do? I didn't know how to communicate any of it.
> ...


Everyone has to figure it out for themself. I was 22 when I figured out that pot was making me lazy the next day (But now may help with my body aches). 
I am glad you apologized to your parents, I have wonder often if I should. But every flashback I had raising my kids told me to break the cycle. Just to prove I am not a Putz, I took care of my fathers mother for 10 yrs when he wouldn't. There is something about having to see your grandma naked in the emergency room. 
My wife got thrown out on the morning of her 18th birthday. I got disowned around my 37th. Sometimes people's battles are real and justified.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

2020 Convert said:


> Everyone has to figure it out for themself. I was 22 when I figured out that pot was making me lazy the next day (But now may help with my body aches).
> I am glad you apologized to your parents, I have wonder often if I should. But every flashback I had raising my kids told me to break the cycle. Just to prove I am not a Putz, I took care of my fathers mother for 10 yrs when he wouldn't. There is something about having to see your grandma naked in the emergency room.
> My wife got thrown out on the morning of her 18th birthday. I got disowned around my 37th. Sometimes people's battles are real and justified.


I apologized for something that wasn't my doing. They responded in their own way that made it clear that they understood but didn't know what to do.

Let's not pretend that we are born of equal dust. Not with me, please. I know better. I'm not the same as you and you aren't the same as he. The Blood binds us, and nothing else.


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## 2020 Convert (Dec 24, 2020)

I understand that. I do the family tree. They don’t understand why I do.


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## 2020 Convert (Dec 24, 2020)

Denton said:


> I apologized for something that wasn't my doing. They responded in their own way that made it clear that they understood but didn't know what to do.
> 
> Let's not pretend that we are born of equal dust. Not with me, please. I know better. I'm not the same as you and you aren't the same as he. The Blood binds us, and nothing else.


 it a difunctional part of my life and my wife's, but that is why I said I was happy that you could open up to them. 
Neither of us would get such disclosure. You are lucky.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

2020 Convert said:


> it a difunctional part of my life and my wife's, but that is why I said I was happy that you could open up to them.
> Neither of us would get such disclosure. You are lucky.


Thank you, but you seem to be missing what I am saying. I'll assume it is because a difference in empierce.

Hang in there, my friend. Stay strong.


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## StratMaster (Dec 26, 2017)

2020 Convert said:


> Where I would disagree, is with my own son. Problem in Daycare, kindergarten, 1st grade. 2nd grade got a teacher that recognized the problem, the kid used to wear clothes to imitate the teacher. 3rd-5th same story of he is a problem.
> 
> Got the kid involved in sports, it was used to control the problems. He started wrestling varsity in 8th grade. This is where I say things can be influenced. The other kid I had mentioned in this thread did not have this.
> 
> ...


Glad your son did well! However, we are discussing kids who do NOT respond, in any way, to such intervention and loving attention. They exist. It cannot be denied that they do. Yours is a SINGLE and thankful anecdotal story. There are many more which do not end in a manner as remotely satisfactory. Not to lack of effort or caring.


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## Megamom134 (Jan 30, 2021)

Since this started at a young age where he just turned around overnight I would have had him checked for PANDAS which is often misdiagnosed as early onset pediatric psychosis. It can screw the kid up for years. I would start with looking for a medical answer first. I dealt with a BIL who was drug and alcohol addicted and we had to shut him out of our life for our sanity. Sadly he died like we expected he would in a one room apartment from a drug overdose, they didn't find his body for a week. We tried many things to help him but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.


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## BamaDOC (Feb 5, 2020)

2020 Convert said:


> Where I would disagree, is with my own son. Problem in Daycare, kindergarten, 1st grade. 2nd grade got a teacher that recognized the problem, the kid used to wear clothes to imitate the teacher. 3rd-5th same story of he is a problem.
> 
> Got the kid involved in sports, it was used to control the problems. He started wrestling varsity in 8th grade. This is where I say things can be influenced. The other kid I had mentioned in this thread did not have this.
> 
> ...


Agree with you about the influences.. and timing of the influences...
Kids are like Clay... there is a limited time frame where you can mold them... shape them... teach them... ... and then that time runs out... and it is near impossible to change ...

As for sports... I wish our 'educators' would put proper value on Sports in kids education...
for my own anecdotal story... I think I've done pretty well for myself... that success of course is not my own... it's my parents.. family... teachers... and my Coaches...
I think I've learned just as much from the field.. from the wrestling mat.. and from my old boxing, kickboxing coach...
I was a pretty skinny weak kid before I got into sports... Plenty smart... but awkward... sports taught me how to 'play' with kids.. how to talk.. kid around... and be part of a team...
most of all it taught me how to fight.. battle for what I want... the pressure of competition is universal in life... and I learned pride.. confidence.. in hard work...

That pressure... what my old coach called the forge of the battle...
where pressure, heat, and effort .. can turn you into a forged weapon ... or shatter you....
that experience is mostly lost in today's millennials...
I do alotta teaching... and today's millennials seem to shatter.. wilt.. break... when they are corrected / educated...

They get frustrated easier... and grew up with only positive reinforcement... participation trophies... and unique snowflake mentality...
When I teach them.. the proper way to perform a procedure.. they get upset that I don't respect their opinions... or I'm too hard on them.. expecting perfection...
I tell them the patients don't care about effort or intention... only perfect results...
In my anecdotal experience the best young folk to teach.. are the ones who are coachable.. the ones who were atheletes.. and can take the pressure.. the criticism.. the heat... and don't internalize it...

fyi... my kids are forced to compete in sports... now they are both moderately successful... and they love the competition. the teamwork.. the grind...
I hope that years from now they realize how much it will help them in work.. and in life...

Life is a competition.. and learning those skills can help you win at life too...

thanks for sharing @2020 Convert ... hope this didnt sound to preachy... Something I'm passionate about... teaching kids the value of controlled violence (martial arts) / competition


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## Pir8fan (Nov 16, 2012)

We've had friends with this problem. The only parents that had successful outcomes put their kids in rehab facilities several states away and when the kids got out, they stayed in that area for a couple of years. It was the only way to keep them out of the environment at home that kept dragging them in.


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## Prepared One (Nov 5, 2014)

hawgrider said:


> It's the only way.
> 
> At age 17 my dad told me "live under my roof live under my rules." Instantly the light bulb lit up in my head and I moved out the next day.


I was out when I was 17 as well. My Dad said if I didn't like the rules then I could leave. So I left and never looked back. Had some hard years, mostly of my own doing, but I figured it out eventually. :tango_face_grin:


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## Piratesailor (Nov 9, 2012)

Ok I’ll chime in before I read the entire thread.

Slippy, your response is the correct one. I have children’s, between my wife and I we have 6 kids from ages 19 to 41 and 12 grandkids ranging from 3 to 19. 

Thankfully, we have not had a problem like that with the kids or grand kids ... we’ve had other problems. 

But with that said, I have direct experience with my nephew and it was almost the exact situation. He went so far as to steal from my parents, his grandparents. He was into drugs and everything that goes with it. Trust me when I say it was bad.. it was very bad. 

The family tried over the years to help via the camps, the institution, etc etc... and although he cleaned up, after a while he fell back into the same routine. In hindsight he fell into the same routine after getting clean because he reconnected with “old friends”. 

Anyway, long story short, he was cut off from the entire family. Period. In this case, he was not even invited back to dinners until he proved he was clean and straight. Otherwise, he’d come back, eat and go back to what he was doing . It is still enabling so I would not invite him EVER to anything. 

My nephew finally got clean and was a success. Had a family and is still good. He was 20 then and is 47 now. 

Years later he said that he had to hit rock bottom to realize that he had to stop. Rock bottom for him was homeless in the mountains freezing to death, alone and starving. Rock bottom is different for everyone. He said that nothing the family could or would do would have made a difference. 

Your friends need to be brave and understand they they cannot fix him. He has to fix himself and they need to be prepared for two outcomes... a good one..and a very bad one.


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## The Tourist (Jun 9, 2016)

I was a moody, angry teenager, myself. Fortunately, I had my dad.

He did *not* hit me, degrade me, or send me out for repairs with tools I had never seen. I think the work "mentor" applies here. Now, technically I was the VP's wild kid. But within a short period of time I was routing skids, finding additional parts for 60 women in the packing department, and finally, I was very proud of my work. Most of the "SOB" kids I knew (Master Lock called these teenagers 'sons of bosses') just ate donuts and looked for places to hide. Some of these kids did not make it through one summer--I made it through six summers, and paid my own way through college.

BTW, my little brother did not like oil or grease on his hands from padlocks. He lasted three days, and the packing department was glad to be rid of him. That "little kid" is now a professor at Loras College...


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## Maine-Marine (Mar 7, 2014)

I have kids 6 age 32 - 7

We would not give him any money

he would be given 2 months to get a job and rent an apartment
he could visit
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I kicked my18 year old out of the house. I let him back in 6 months later after he enlisted in the Marines and had 2 months to go before bootcamp...

I know an old guy in his 70's working at walmart and still supporting his lazy son...


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## Back Pack Hack (Sep 15, 2016)

No chitlins here.

But I would cut him loose. Break all ties and let him fend for himself.

I've worked too hard to get what I have, and I'd be damned if I let someone like that cause me to lose it. Kin or not.


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## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

We certainly are a Like-Minded Bunch for dang sure!


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## bigwheel (Sep 22, 2014)

Prayers up. Let us know what the survey says. Thanks.


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

I’m sitting in an AA clubhouse at this very moment, Saturday night I have the duty watch.
Open up, make coffee, make sure everything is OK, chair the meeting, then close up and go home.

When I get home I’ll throw my two cents in, as a bonafide, sho’ nuff alcoholic.
I can’t speak for drugs - addicts have a whole different thing going on in their head.

But I am an expert in alcoholism, and not the book learned type.
For the record it has been 5,886 days since my last drink. One day at a time.


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

Alcoholism has been recognized as a disease since 1955 by the AMA and the APA.
It is not a moral issue, it is not an issue of will power.

It is a two part disease, of the body and of the mind. One in ten people physically process alcohol differently from the other nine.
Once alcohol enters our body, we develop an actual physical craving for more. We can not stop after one or two drinks like an average drinker can. It has been described as a manifistation of an allergy by doctors.

But, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind. Our mind tells us that this time it will be different. We will have just one beer after work and then go home. We think this time we will behave like a normal drinker. This time it will be different. This time.............
We can not differentiate the true from the false. We are without defense against the first drink.

Alcoholism is much more involved than that, of course. Entire books have been written on the subject. I just stated the short version.

Research has suggested that alcoholism may be genetic. I personally believe I was born with it - I drank alcoholically from my first drink in high school.
Thank God my children are normal.

The drug addict is a baffling creature. In our small town area there is no Narcotics Anonymous like the big cities, so druggies on probation are frequently ordered to attend AA meetings. I have tried to help these men and women, just as I do drinkers. But they all think they don't have a problem and once their probation is up they are never seen again.

The bottom line for me is you can not make someone get sober. They have to want it for themselves. That will either come from drinking too much whiskey, or it may never come at all.
It never did for my brother - he drank himself to death at age 62.


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## rt66paul (Jan 20, 2021)

My brother died from complications of MS, wife died 5 years before. 3 kids, young adults and me handling the trust. One is trouble, been trouble from day 1. The trouble was there because the parents did not parent. None of the 3 have any social skills. One had a masters degree, one is through 2 1/2 years of college and the other is in 2 semester of community college. We do what we can, but no cash out to the one who uses drugs. We allow food and lodging costs, phone, etc. They are all learning now - no one goes without, the one that can't be trusted gets clothing and other needs delivered through Amazon(they live a good distance away). 
I want to curse my brother leaving me this, but family is family. They agree because deep down they know they can't handle it. I was tempted to just divy up the small estate for them, but they would have gone crazy and admit it.
All we can do is be there for them, try to help them get through the situation. Remember that when kids act out at a young age , there is always an underlying problem. Parents need to be there for them, grandparents need to be ready to step in, and the adults need to support the positive and help it along. If you are a wet blanket and pooh pooh everything they like, they will never respect you or your wishes.


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## Swrock (Dec 14, 2018)

C.
It's a lot harder to deal with than most people think. 
Drug dealers are scum of the earth. They know they are making money off of ruining people's lives.
They will give the addicts drugs on credit then threaten them to get their money.
I recently had to retrieve my son's truck from a dealer. And no I didn't pay the dealer. But I got the truck and we are both still alive. It was a bit stressful.
Yeah I know if it weren't for addicts there would be no dealers, but unfortunately there is plenty of addicts.
My advice would be to deal with it now if possible. It only gets worse as they get older.


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## Trihonda (Aug 24, 2020)

Slippy said:


> He returned supposedly a changed young man. He toed the line for about 6 months, got good grades, played ball and then....


Theron lies the problem... spent 4 months in a positive environment... but then returned to the same environment that got him into trouble in the first place.. same friends, same social circles, same pressures... if you truly want to change his life around, ya gotta remove him from those same variables that got him into trouble the first time.. I mean, he's gonna look for support, but his old friends will be there in the weeds... lurking.. and supporting his return to drugs.


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## The Tourist (Jun 9, 2016)

It's hard to read the stories of wrong-headed young men. Then again, that was also some of us, the ones who got lucky. I do not know what the answer is, after all, none of us really listened. If anything our odd-ball actions were simply angry at the world that was angry at us. However, even if a baby-boomer had some serious and helpful incites, do you think modern kids would even listen?


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## Megamom134 (Jan 30, 2021)

I personally think drug dealers should be charged with mass murder.


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## Swrock (Dec 14, 2018)

Megamom134 said:


> I personally think drug dealers should be charged with mass murder.


I agree.


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## Smitty901 (Nov 16, 2012)

Drugs are cool if he wants to get high it is his right. Step away let him live as he pleases. Being a stoner is cool. Coming nation wide soon all drug will be legal and you will supply them . This is what people wanted it is what they will get.
Environment has nothing to do with it . Time away he had no options. Soon as he return to real world party on . Was always the plan.


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## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

Appreciate all the great answers.

My plan was to call my Buddy and his wife and read some of the answers that you all wrote. 

Then I realized that this nonsense with their kid wasn't going to change and they probably knew the right thing to do anyway but since they haven't done the right thing, why would they start now?

So I decided to stay out of it. 

Sad situation for sure.


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

Smitty901 said:


> Drugs are cool if he wants to get high it is his right. Step away let him live as he pleases. Being a stoner is cool. Coming nation wide soon all drug will be legal and you will supply them . This is what people wanted it is what they will get.
> Environment has nothing to do with it . Time away he had no options. Soon as he return to real world party on . Was always the plan.


Agreed.
Liberals want to get high, leftists realize a stoned population is easier to control, so there is a big push to legalize all drugs.
This country is doomed.


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## Chiefster23 (Feb 5, 2016)

Slippy said:


> Appreciate all the great answers.
> 
> My plan was to call my Buddy and his wife and read some of the answers that you all wrote.
> 
> ...


Trust me! This shit never changes. I've been dealing with it for close to 20 years.


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## [email protected] (Sep 23, 2020)

I am a retired police officer from a large midwestern police department. I have seen countless cases like this and listened to hours of training from addiction specialists and head doctors on dealing with these issues. I have 2 children from different marriages. The one a young woman is married with three children and was never a problem. The boy is 16 now and we have minor problems with him, but other than that things are ok. I DO have 3 sisters in law that have had kids with addiction problems. Everything everyone is saying on this thread is correct. Cut the kid lose. That's the only thing to do. He has to figure it out. My wife and I have talked about it and we are both in agreement. She saw what it did to her sisters and their families.
As painful as it is the kid can't destroy their marriage and their lives.


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## Rev316 (Apr 9, 2015)

Dude is an adult, get out of the house, life is hard, it's harder when you're arrogant and stupid, you should know that by now, go deal with it


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## OrneryOldBat (Feb 10, 2017)

rice paddy daddy said:


> Agreed.
> Liberals want to get high, leftists realize a stoned population is easier to control, so there is a big push to legalize all drugs.
> This country is doomed.


Certainly there are some people who fit in this category. I know a number of people who are off seriously expensive and side-effect intense medications because they have access to legal marijuana. The ones in medical marijuana states get to pay annual fees to the state, doctor fees, and high dispensary costs. One buddy in a straight up legal state grows his own. I'd rather have the option to grow my own, but then I'm a responsible adult.


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## Elvis (Jun 22, 2018)

I've avoided replying to this thread because it hits a little to close to my family when I was growing up. Not going into details but let's just say that I had two very bad brothers who were much older than me and both have now passed. The world is a better and safer place with them gone.

Parents kept bailing them out of jail, hiring great lawyers, giving them money and enabling them until they were in their mid 30s. After the support stopped they lived very sad lives and even 20 years later they were still making my parents lives a living hell occasionally.

Helping a chronic problem person is only enabling them. If my parents had cut them off much sooner my brothers may have straightened out but they were enabled for so many years and avoided the worst of the consequences of their actions for so many years they were never able to become responsible for their own lives.


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## Wedrownik (Sep 22, 2020)

That's a difficult topic because you have an emotional aspect - family. Overall, one thing that has to be stated upfront - he can't be helped until he decides to help himself. In some extremely rare cases outside intervention (camp, rehab, church) helps as a catalyst, but that's so rare I would consider it nearly nonexistent.

Biggest catalysts for change come from the person's own experience. Most often it's someone ODing that they're close to, though that one can go one of two ways - they either follow them or it's cold awakening resulting in path to sobriety. At that point best rehabs, churches, camps are in order. Before that, they're a waste of money and often harmful as the kid will think that he can yoyo between normalcy and stupidity.

The issue is letting go - parents have a hard time doing so. They think that they can save them, people keep droning on how love and care can help (bullshit at this stage of the game). All this does is hurt the parents (though the not knowing also hurts). Helping them avoid charges - also bad. Granted going into the system does not help too much either and carries other sorts of baggage as well, but avoiding consequences is probably even worse.

Qualification - law enforcement/patrol experience (going on 12 years) and seeing folks go under as well as recover and go on the straight and narrow. Dealt with a lot of frequent fliers and saw the end of them and saw few (very few - could count them on one hand) actually recover and do good long enough to believe that there is hope for them.


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## dwight55 (Nov 9, 2012)

I'm one who only had one son . . . as far as I know . . . never a problem to anyone . . . he was raised to be responsible . . . obedient . . . and caring.

OTOH . . . a "family member" was raised the same way . . . with a slightly less inclusive home life.

Member got into trouble . . . drugs / alcohol / disobedience / pregnancy . . . and probably some stuff I never knew about.

Someone suggested a stint in the military might help out . . . 

It did not help out . . . it did wonders.

Person is a perfectly responsible, caring, contributing member of the family, of society, and is a joy to know.

Could have ended up differently, I know. I truly thank God it didn't.

May God bless,
Dwight


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