# Joke of the Day



## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

Very important to learn:
View attachment 12410


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door. 

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' 

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder. 

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room. 

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.' 

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed. 

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer. 

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'


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## Prepared One (Nov 5, 2014)

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.
Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"
This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


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## darsk20 (Jun 1, 2015)

A man walks into his doctor's office and says that he needs to get some more brain power. 

The doctor says to him that they sell brains by the pound. 

Republican brains are $25/lb.
Libertarian brains are $50/lb.
Democrats brains are $100/lb.

The man says, "Wow, $100/lb. They must be really good brains."

The doctor responds, "No, do you have any idea how many Democrats it takes to collect 1 pound of brains?"


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

So, I was walking through the mall and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F--- off, get the hell out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

I'm in Walmart a few months ago. I start hearing someone yelling what sounds like Allah Akbar a few aisles down. I hear it again and then again. Then I realized that it was a African American woman calling her child that had one of those creative names.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)




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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

A*DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Trump music video. Who's crazy now!?!?


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## PCH5150 (Jun 15, 2015)

A single guy walks into a grocery store and proceeds to buy all the usual "single guy" items... Six pack of beer, microwave dinners, frozen pizza, etc. 
He gets everything he needs and waits in line to check out. There is a cute blond cashier working the register.
As she begins to scan and ring up his items she looks at what he buys, then looks at him, looks at what he buys, looks at him, and so on.
As she finishes the cute blonde says to the man with a knowing smile, "Single, huh?"

The man replies with a wink "How could you tell?"

She responds: 
"Because you are ugly".


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike.
"Are you ashamed of your name?
Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fr****n' Arabs."


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## Prepadoodle (May 28, 2013)

A pastor was teaching Sunday School to a group of young children when he said, "Today I want to teach you about the resurrection. Can any of you tell me what the word means?

The kids looked at each other, puzzled. Finally little Johnny shyly raised his hand.

The pastor proudly asked Johnny to stand up and tell the other children what resurrection meant.

He stood up and said, "Well, I'm not sure exactly what it is, but if it lasts more than 4 hours, you're supposed to call the doctor."


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## Mish (Nov 5, 2013)

How do you make a plumber cry?

You kill his family.


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## Mish (Nov 5, 2013)

What did the homeless man get for Christmas?

Nothing.


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## Mish (Nov 5, 2013)

What do you do when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." 

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket . The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! De conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga if finger again and say, 'No a smokina indis car. Musta go to to a smokina car...' 
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We justa about to go makea "badaboom-badabing" and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..
Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)




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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

Ok, you've all seen some idiot looking at his smart phone and walk into a fountain 
or into traffic or what have. Well, I joined the ranks of the idiots today. I was 
paying so much attention to my smart phone that I walked into a strip club. That's 
my story and I'm sticking to it.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

View attachment 12505

I've heard they can outrun a African lion or is that a lyin' African?


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

I was was watching Fox and saw Obama talking about the pending Iran nuclear deal, 
and wondered who ties his shoes for him.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

My neighbor hates it when I shorten his name to Dick, especially since his name is Steve.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

The guy in front of me was so preoccupied with his phone that he walked into a post. 
I was laughing so hard, I walked into another post. 
We're meeting for coffee tomorrow morning.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

I like this.
View attachment 12506


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## Farmboyc (May 9, 2015)

paraquack said:


> The guy in front of me was so preoccupied with his phone that he walked into a post.
> I was laughing so hard, I walked into another post.
> We're meeting for coffee tomorrow morning.


Better put on a helmet.


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## Gunner's Mate (Aug 13, 2013)

The Newyork Times sent me a subscription application, on the front I wrote return to sender on the back I wrote (Are you ****ing stupid I am a Texan, I would not wipe my Texas ass with your newspaper.
This is a True Story


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## Prepared One (Nov 5, 2014)

paraquack said:


> The guy in front of me was so preoccupied with his phone that he walked into a post.
> I was laughing so hard, I walked into another post.
> We're meeting for coffee tomorrow morning.


Now that's funny right there...I don't care who ya are. LOL


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

This one is worth the minute. It's not what you think at the beginning.


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## 8301 (Nov 29, 2014)

Video of 6 bears cooling off in a backyard swimming pool.
Family finds 6 bears bathing in their backyard pool


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## jdbushcraft (Mar 26, 2015)

James m said:


> This one is worth the minute.


No it wasn't.


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## PaulS (Mar 11, 2013)

I wondered what happened to my light sabers...


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Watch #25 if you want. He sticks up for someone.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Cat vs printer.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.*After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'* The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.* The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

90's kids won't get this....

Social security benefits!

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. 

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Sam and Bessie were friends with benefits in their retirement community. One day, Sam and Bessie are sitting on the bench outside of the old folks' home. "Hey Bessie?" Sam asked. "Yeah, Sam?" Bessie replied. "Do you mind putting your hand on my penis?" He asked. "Sure," she said.

Two days later, Bessie comes out of the retirement home and sees Sam sitting on the bench with Sadie, with her hand on his dick. Upset, Bessie approaches Sam later.

"Is she prettier than me?" she asks. "No," he says. "Is she smarter? Funnier?" she asks. "No," he replies. "Then what does she have that I don't?" she asks. "Parkinson's," he says.


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## PaulS (Mar 11, 2013)

Always wanted to make love to an epileptic woman.......


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Well you only live once Paul, you only live once.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

In the local paper:
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, $300 or best offer. 
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

These just became my favorites of the week.
View attachment 12533
View attachment 12534


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

paraquack said:


> These just became my favorites of the week.
> View attachment 12533
> View attachment 12534


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

A cowboy is walking naked down main street and the sheriff came driving by and saw him. BWOOP BWOOP! He pulls over and talks to him. "Son, why are you naked in the middle of town?" The cowboy chuckles and says "Well, it's a long story." "There is a naked cowboy on main street in my town. I got time for a long story, let's hear it." "Alright, so I was throwin' hay in my barn when a pretty little blonde lady comes in and says 'It's mighty hot in here, why don't you take your shirt off?' I did and she did the same, and I didn't mind. Then she says 'why don't ya set down and take your boots off?' I do and she set down beside me. Then she says 'why don't ya take them pants off?' I do and she does the same. Then she looks at me and says 'now go to town.' So here I am!"

Why couldn't Moses adopt a kitten from the shelter? It was non prophet.

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin.

"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.

"Yes, sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief.

"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, the entire first row of the audience is lying in bloody heaps on the ground.

"Now, who sneezed?" Still not a whimper. "Second row, stand up! Guards! Open fire!" The second row writhes and breathes its last.

"Now, comrades: who sneezed?" Absolute silence. "Third row! Stand up! Guards! Op...."

"Wait! Wait!" From the sixth row a man rises, shaking so hard with fear that he can barely stay on his legs. "Please! Comrade Stalin! It was me. I sneezed."

Stalin fixes his eye on the wretch. The entire audience watches, paralysed.

"You sneezed?"

"Yes, Comrade Stalin, yes. It was me."

"Bless you, comrade!"


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1 Woman: So what happened?

2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1 Woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer-we’d both still be alive.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

OK last one.

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

What do navy seals mop the poop deck with?

Army rangers....


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

A woman phoned the neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you 
& your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't home yesterday afternoon.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

A guy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a 
tree, then suddenly another is in his way which he manages to avoid and then 
another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging from the mirror!"


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.”


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

A politician was walking down the street when he encountered an armed robber... Robber: (points gun) Gimme all your money!

Politician: You better be careful young fellow, I am one of the most powerful politicians in this goddamn country.

Robber:*thinks

Robber: Then give back all my money!


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak 
to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." 

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she 
invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. 
I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've 
just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)




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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

And where's the donuts?


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## Prepared One (Nov 5, 2014)

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word "Washington" from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins". It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington', imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.


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## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

A Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Pensacola, FL. He tells the priest,
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat the crap out of a flag burner and an
Obama supporter."
The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

A young man returns to a car dealership after buying a used car. His complaint is about the cars iPhone docking station. It is not working and is scratching up his phones screen. The problem seems to be that this particular model is not equipped with a docking station. It is equipped with a cassette tape deck.


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## PaulS (Mar 11, 2013)

I broke the cup holder on my desktop the other day. I pressed the button, the cup holder slid out, I set my cup in it and it broke. The service tech told me I had a 12 ounce cup holder and I was using a 16 ounce cup. I can't find a cup holder to replace it with - did they stop making them?


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## Robie (Jun 2, 2016)




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