# I need advice (off topic)



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Thanks in advance for reading this 

My daughters made a new friend in school, she is absolutely sweet and very smart, she and her parents are very recent immigrants and living in a tiny basement apartment. From a few conversations with the girl's mom, I learned that they had the option of accepting some financial support from the government but refused and both working like crazy several jobs. My kids' new friend has only 2-3 outfits in total, brings very small lunches and her shoes are not looking so strong.
I like and admire this family very much and I'm in the position to help but I suspect that they are very proud and I don't want to insult them by mistakenly approaching this the wrong way and I also don't want them to feel like they owe me anything or worry that they are not doing enough for their daughter.. They are amazing parents.

I want to buy this girl some Fall and Winter clothes, including warm boots, coat..etc give them a large grocery gift card, whatever. BUT even though this will make me immeasurably happy, the family will likely feel insulted… so I feel very stupid right now that I can't seem to find the right way.

I'm very frustrated….


----------



## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

In my way of thinking, your way of thinking is the way things ought to be.

That they are willing to work their butts off so as to accept nothing from the government leads me to believe they may also agree with your way of thinking. After all, shouldn't neighbors give neighbors a hand, and seeing how you are looking to give them a hand regarding their youngun....

Could putting it such a way to the parents help, any?

Good luck.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Wow huge grammar fail again… sorry if anyone's eyes are suffering, I've been having major English language issues lately...


----------



## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

You might have your daughter talk to the girl and find out how parents would feel about such a gift.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

hmmm I'm also thinking that I might not want the little girl to know that this gift is from us because I don't want her to feel embarrassed that her friends are giving her clothes…ugh all kinds of stuff is going through my mind and worry how a 9 year-old might feel…

I'm considering buying whatever the hell i want, sticking it all into a big box and writing "welcome to canada, love, your friends" and delivering it without my name on it. It's probably best.


----------



## dannydefense (Oct 9, 2013)

THIS is what social assistance is. When people truly need help, there's almost always someone nearby who will recognize that and step up. Communities should handle this problem, not the government, who has never spent my money wisely.

I wish I had an answer for you. It's hard to approach people you know are hard workers and offer them something they've already refused from somewhere else. The only thing I can suggest is to do it in such a way that they know they can pay you back; and then politely turn down the repayment when it comes... but as odd as this may sound, don't turn it down twice. If they insist, let them pay you back.


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

Tough one. All I come up with quick is see if you can invite them over to eat, maybe 2 times, lighten their food bill, without being pushy.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Jeep said:


> Tough one. All I come up with quick is see if you can invite them over to eat, maybe 2 times, lighten their food bill, without being pushy.


I like that


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

I might be over-strategizing this but at least regarding the shoes - could you somehow 'accidentally' damage them when the girls are playing? Then you'd have to take her to the store for a new pair to put things right.


----------



## dannydefense (Oct 9, 2013)

Hemi45 said:


> I might be over-strategizing this but at least regarding the shoes - could you somehow 'accidentally' damage them when the girls are playing? Then you'd have to take her to the store for a new pair to put things right.


I think your hearts in the right place, but you're playing with fire. Short of some Oceans 11 tactics, if the kids had the slightest impression you were trying to hurt them, you could be in a world of trouble.


----------



## 2Tim215 (Jun 19, 2014)

One way is find out if they go to church. If they do have the pastor give it to them as an anonymous donation.
The other way is discuss this with them. Tell them this is not a handout but that you admire them and share stories of any hardships you have endured and if they want to pay you back that they can as and when they have it. No time or amt obligation.


----------



## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

Jeep said:


> Tough one. All I come up with quick is see if you can invite them over to eat, maybe 2 times, lighten their food bill, without being pushy.


That was my first thought as well.
Good on you, Jeep!!


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Hemi45 said:


> I might be over-strategizing this but at least regarding the shoes - could you somehow 'accidentally' damage them when the girls are playing? Then you'd have to take her to the store for a new pair to put things right.


ahhhh too obvious but nice  I will send an anonymous gift I think, solves lots of potential problems


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

dannydefense said:


> I think your hearts in the right place, but you're playing with fire. Short of some Oceans 11 tactics, if the kids had the slightest impression you were trying to hurt them, you could be in a world of trouble.


No, no no ... not while she's wearing them - lol!!! I was thinking that she comes over, shoes come off in the house, TG gets careless while cleaning with bleach or something


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

Curious as to their Nationality, this could be key in finding out what they find acceptable and not ok. Then you can go Oceans 11-12-and 13 on them


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Thanks everyone, I love you guys 

I think an anonymous gift with a sign "welcome to Canada with love from your neighbours" is best, this way they won't feel like they owe anyone anything or worry or feel insulted… Already invited them over for dinner later this week and will have extras for them to take home.


----------



## Arklatex (May 24, 2014)

Can you give your kids old not very worn out clothes to them? (Assuming they fit) Just tell them you have no use for it anymore and thought they might like to have it.


----------



## HuntingHawk (Dec 16, 2012)

I have heard of this situation before & worked out well. Talk to the girl's parents. Let them know that its time for fall/winter shopping for your daughter. But many items your daughter wore last year she can still wear this year. So there is extra money in the budget & your daughter would like her friend to come along.


----------



## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

Hemi45 said:


> No, no no ... not while she's wearing them - lol!!! I was thinking that she comes over, shoes come off in the house, TG gets careless while cleaning with bleach or something


It doesn't take you long to analyze a problem and come up with an underhanded solution, does it? :lol:

I like the way your brain works - I think.


----------



## Kauboy (May 12, 2014)

Jeep stole my suggestion.
Food builds friendships. Invite them over for a small meal, nothing big. Don't be obvious.
Being new to Canada, they may not be familiar with the weather.
That can be a starter into how you'll be bundling up your little one.
See where they take the conversation from there.
If they divulge that they aren't sure about what theirs will wear, the door is slowly opening.
If they are too proud to say anything, that's a clue.
Don't offer anything yet.
Build the relationship first.


----------



## Ice Queen (Feb 16, 2014)

Would mom perhaps go on an outing with you? Perhaps she would accept a few pieces of clothing that you purchased together? Another idea, is, in our family, big bags of hand me downs go around between aunts, uncles and cousins, and sometimes there is new stuff in there that still have tags on them because they didn't fit to begin with. You could put some new clothes in a bag with some used stuff and tell her that you picked out what fit your child and would she want to poke thru it to see if anything there would fit her kids and donate what she doesn't want? Hopefully she keeps the good stuff! And it gives her the pleasure of donating to others what she doesn't need. I think the important thing is that the parent doesn't feel like some one is trying to parent their child for them or looking their nose down at them. I like you Toronto Gal.


----------



## Kauboy (May 12, 2014)

Hemi45 said:


> No, no no ... not while she's wearing them - lol!!! I was thinking that she comes over, shoes come off in the house, TG gets careless while cleaning with bleach or something


I was thinking some Ukrainian beetroot/tomato-based dish "accidentally" spilled out of the pot onto the unmanned shoes. :grin:


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

My kids' new friend is taller than them  I want to keep their ethnical background private because they firmly want to be Canadian and treated as such, I completely respect that. Anonymous gift is best.


----------



## dannydefense (Oct 9, 2013)

Hemi45 said:


> No, no no ... not while she's wearing them - lol!!! I was thinking that she comes over, shoes come off in the house, TG gets careless while cleaning with bleach or something


OHH, see now that's smart. I was thinking you would just push the little ones down a hill or something and then tell their parents they tripped over a turtle.

This is probably why my surprise parties always go bad.


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

Denton said:


> It doesn't take you long to analyze a problem and come up with an underhanded solution, does it? :lol:
> 
> I like the way your brain works - I think.


From time to time I can get 'creative' but I only apply such solutions for the greater good ... I swear


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Food is a given, at this point half of my neighbours have already been over here for dinner and drinks and brought home extras, I like to feed people haha I completely agree about slow relationship building, that's always been my way, it's just the weather is getting cooler and time is running out.


----------



## dannydefense (Oct 9, 2013)

TorontoGal said:


> My kids' new friend is taller than them  I want to keep their ethnical background private because they firmly want to be Canadian and treated as such, I completely respect that. Anonymous gift is best.


Toronto would be the place for that to be an issue. It's funny, because I never realized half of my friends ethnic backgrounds until I came south of the border (sad fact, but it's true). I just knew them by their names...


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

dannydefense said:


> Toronto would be the place for that to be an issue. It's funny, because I never realized half of my friends ethnic backgrounds until I came south of the border (sad fact, but it's true). I just knew them by their names...


I get questioned a lot about my accent and ethnic background, but it's just honest curiosity, I'm not offended


----------



## Dalarast (May 16, 2014)

Basically what ice queen said. My wife and I have helped out our daughters friends before in a similar scenario. We tried to get to know the parents better and my wife brought up that we received some clothes that our girls couldn't fit (they were to big) and girls bring girls they would be out of style before they were old enough. At the time our oldest was 8. The conversation started as a complaint about kids growth and clothing and my wife snuck in how their daughter would fit them perfect. My offered them and they eventually took them off our hands. Win for everyone. We also removed the tags so they looked new but didn't have that right off the rack look. 

Good luck and it's a good thing to do.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Ice Queen said:


> in our family, big bags of hand me downs go around between aunts, uncles and cousins, and sometimes there is new stuff in there that still have tags on them because they didn't fit to begin with. You could put some new clothes in a bag with some used stuff and tell her that you picked out what fit your child and would she want to poke thru it to see if anything there would fit her kids and donate what she doesn't want? Hopefully she keeps the good stuff! And it gives her the pleasure of donating to others what she doesn't need. I think the important thing is that the parent doesn't feel like some one is trying to parent their child for them or looking their nose down at them. I like you Toronto Gal.


I like this a lot, great idea  I like you too


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Dalarast said:


> Basically what ice queen said. My wife and I have helped out our daughters friends before in a similar scenario. We tried to get to know the parents better and my wife brought up that we received some clothes that our girls couldn't fit (they were to big) and girls bring girls they would be out of style before they were old enough. At the time our oldest was 8. The conversation started as a complaint about kids growth and clothing and my wife snuck in how their daughter would fit them perfect. My offered them and they eventually took them off our hands. Win for everyone. We also removed the tags so they looked new but didn't have that right off the rack look.
> 
> Good luck and it's a good thing to do.


Excellent! Thanks


----------



## slewfoot (Nov 6, 2013)

TorontoGal said:


> I'm considering buying whatever the hell i want, sticking it all into a big box and writing "welcome to canada, love, your friends" and delivering it without my name on it. It's probably best.


I think this is the best idea.


----------



## 3forus (Sep 8, 2014)

I would take clothes over and state that you have received them from a person that thought you could use them, then tell them that they are too long in the leg arms ect, and you thought you would offer the clothing to them to use if they could, so they would not be going unused. 

And I would just buy some food items and leave them on the porch or at door step ring the bell and run, I do this at Christmas time for some elderly people I know , as they would feel embarrassed if I just handed them to them. 

Good luck and thanks for being kind to others, it lets your personality shine . God bless you for your thoughtfulness and kindness to others!


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Something's in my eye..  You guys have been amazing, thank you for all the great ideas, now I'm armed with more great options.


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

TorontoGal said:


> Something's in my eye..  You guys have been amazing, thank you for all the great ideas, now I'm armed with more great options.


Yeah but keep in mind that some of "us" would also shoot you and put your head on a spike for knocking on the door, looking for food, if SHTF

... but I digress :-o


----------



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

TorontoGal said:


> I get questioned a lot about my accent and ethnic background, but it's just honest curiosity, I'm not offended


Welcome to my world!

I agree with Jeep and you, a few casual dinners or a dish sent over is always nice. The anonymous gift is a great idea as well.


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

TG I don't need to know the Ethnicity, it is just my suggestion that since you know you can find out what may be offensive in their culture and what is not.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Agreed, they are very similar to my culture when it comes to "saving face", this is why I'm very sensitive about the approach


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Hemi45 said:


> Yeah but keep in mind that some of "us" would also shoot you and put your head on a spike for knocking on the door, looking for food, if SHTF
> 
> ... but I digress :-o


haha That is one funny thread, I'm trying very hard to stay away


----------



## Old SF Guy (Dec 15, 2013)

Sorry if I am repeating something previously posted since I lack the time to read all the replies, However, we offer some family friends clothing by just saying, we bought these and our child has out grown them, or they don't fit him/her that well....or we received these as a gift and our child outgrew or can't fit into them anymore...could you all use them?...they are new and I hate to just discard them or give them to a clothes donation without asking our friends if they would like them first. You could also say that it is a fairly common practice in America, especially among girls since they tend to wear clothing fewer times, and with less wear on the items as with boys.

Hope that didn't sound to stupid...I'm a guy who wears the same shoes everyday until they fall apart...so what do I know about clothes.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Old SF Guy said:


> Sorry if I am repeating something previously posted since I lack the time to read all the replies, However, we offer some family friends clothing by just saying, we bought these and our child has out grown them, or they don't fit him/her that well....or we received these as a gift and our child outgrew or can't fit into them anymore...could you all use them?...they are new and I hate to just discard them or give them to a clothes donation without asking our friends if they would like them first. You could also say that it is a fairly common practice in America, especially among girls since they tend to wear clothing fewer times, and with less wear on the items as with boys.
> 
> Hope that didn't sound to stupid...I'm a guy who wears the same shoes everyday until they fall apart...so what do I know about clothes.


Thank you and definitely not stupid, great advice  The girl is taller than my kids but we will do an anonymous gift, offer a bag of clothes too big for my kids (or similar explanation)when they come over for dinner later this week and a few other ways, time will tell&#8230;
we really want to get to know this family and my kids love their new friend.


----------



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

Here's another idea, buy two grocery store gift cards. The next time you see them, pull out the gift cards and say, "one of my clients sent me these two gift cards, I don't know what the value is but please take one to celebrate my good fortune."


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Slippy said:


> Here's another idea, buy two grocery store gift cards. The next time you see them, pull out the gift cards and say, "one of my clients sent me these two gift cards, I don't know what the value is but please take one to celebrate my good fortune."


Love this, thank you!


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

You could pull a gun on them, raise your voice several octaves and say "take this or else" .


----------



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

Jeep said:


> You could pull a gun on them, raise your voice several octaves and say "take this or else" .


Gun free zone.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Oh my it's getting creative ::rambo::


----------



## dannydefense (Oct 9, 2013)

Jeep said:


> You could pull a gun on them, raise your voice several octaves and say "take this or else" .


You have to continue raising the tone throughout the sentence. "Else" should be so high it reverberates for a few seconds.


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

TG I know your Heart is heavy on this subject and this thread is uplifting. I just wanted to get you laughing a bit


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

Jeep said:


> You could pull a gun on them, raise your voice several octaves and say "take this or else" .


Maybe pull out a spike too ... sorry, that one really *sticks* with me for some reason


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

Jeep said:


> TG I know your Heart is heavy on this subject and this thread is uplifting. I just wanted to get you laughing a bit


I'll tell you what, I've been liking this forum/community more and more lately and good folks looking to help good folks that want to help others is a prime example of why!!!


----------



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

Hemi45 said:


> I'll tell you what, I've been liking this forum/community more and more lately and good folks looking to help good folks that want to help others is a prime example of why!!!


Well call me selfish, but I'm secretly hoping that its ME that TG is going to send this stuff, so I keep upping the ante. I also enjoy hearing about severed heads on spikes (or pikes) to ward off unwelcome folks. Just Slippy being Slippy....


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

I thought everyone severed heads and put them on spikes. But Slippy you can have the girl clothes


----------



## Hemi45 (May 5, 2014)

Jeep said:


> I thought everyone severed heads and put them on spikes. But Slippy you can have the girl clothes


It's why he wants little girl clothes that concerns me


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Thanks for all the laughts


----------



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

Jeep said:


> I thought everyone severed heads and put them on spikes. But Slippy you can have the girl clothes


Ha Ha you bozos, jokes on you, TG's giving me Gift Cards and maybe a new truck!


----------



## BagLady (Feb 3, 2014)

TG, the only thing I can add to several who said to give the clothes as "hand me downs", (and I do think that's the best thing to do), is to also throw in a sweater or two for the parents. That way it won't be too obvious that the clothes are for the kid.


----------



## HuntingHawk (Dec 16, 2012)

Ya, well, I wear the same shoes till they come apart & then break out the duct tape.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

BagLady said:


> TG, the only thing I can add to several who said to give the clothes as "hand me downs", (and I do think that's the best thing to do), is to also throw in a sweater or two for the parents. That way it won't be too obvious that the clothes are for the kid.


Perfect, great tip, thank you!


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Update!!! I just talked to the girl's mom on the phone and casually mentioned that I have a bunch of Fall/Winter clothes that my mom bought us that we don't need and very casually asked her if she wants them, she does!!!!!! Yay!! I'm so relieved...
Racing to the mall as we speak  Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice!


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

Good job and well done


----------



## Gunner's Mate (Aug 13, 2013)

Wait till X mas


----------



## firefighter72 (Apr 18, 2014)

Why not just get the stuff for them and mail it to them? put from a friend or something like that.


----------



## Gunner's Mate (Aug 13, 2013)

I like gettn stuff in the mail Midway supplies delivers weekly


----------



## PrepperDogs (May 12, 2013)

Let your daughter buy her clothes when they go shopping together. You, your daughter, and your family will know what you're doing, but her friend and family will think it's because they are 'besties'. Don't go too overboard or it will look obvious.

Become friends with her father. Find out what his mindset is like.


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

I posted an update above, I'm at the mall


----------



## Slippy (Nov 14, 2013)

TorontoGal said:


> I posted an update above, I'm at the mall


Don't forget Slippy's new truck.


----------



## Camel923 (Aug 13, 2014)

Sounds like you are well armed with ideas to help these people. We have several different relatives and a family (wife's friends) that are down on their luck. We don't have the resistance because of the long standing personal relationships. We do what we can.

The Salvation Army may help some. My mom and my aunt ran the local branch for years. At Christmas they made sure every family on their list had food for a nice Christmas dinner and one toy for each child.


----------



## Derma-Redi (Aug 23, 2014)

Jeep said:


> Tough one. All I come up with quick is see if you can invite them over to eat, maybe 2 times, lighten their food bill, without being pushy.


 Jeep has a good point and then it may be easier to slide in to the conversation that a neighbor helping a neighbor is different than govt help (because it is..) Maybe after breaking the ice you could have them over again and say hey by the way I have a few things that would fit the child perfectly and say I would really like you to have it. Maybe you got it from a friend of a friend of a friend... It's delicate but I'm sure you can pull it off!!


----------



## DerBiermeister (Aug 15, 2014)

I have a different approach. On another forum, we call it Pay It Forward. I would ditch all the subterfuge and simply explain to this family that you are SO impressed with their commitment to not become government welfare, that you are inviting them to join in a "Pay It Forward" campaign. Ask them to accept this gift in the spirit of the program and for them to someday, when they are on their feet, do the same for another family in need. If you can, get others that you know to participate, and make it into kind of a surprise party. Tell the needy family -- "Welcome to Canada, this is how we do things here in our enlightened society".


----------



## scramble4a5 (Nov 1, 2012)

Christmas is coming....but that may make them feel bad they did not give your kids a gift. But something their size and say you bought the wrong one. I also like the church idea. Food is always good.

Your heart is in the right place.


----------



## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

DBM has an awesome idea, but beware the backblast area


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

Thanks, everyone, I posted an update above. All is done, ripping the tags off and will drop off the clothes and shoes tomorrow. Somehow I pulled it off with one phone call, I think because we already spent a bit of time with them and the kids get along so well. Everything here is good, I'm content.
Next project is Canadian Thanksgiving


----------



## TG (Jul 28, 2014)

I really like the idea of organized giving, will look into that.. this neighbourhood is new to me, I made friends with a few neighbours and a few parents at my kids' new school, little by little.


----------



## thepeartree (Aug 25, 2014)

dannydefense said:


> You have to continue raising the tone throughout the sentence. "Else" should be so high it reverberates for a few seconds.


Ican't resist...

Run over there when nobody's home and set fire to their apartment. Then join with everyone else in replacing what they would have lost if they had been ready and well equipped for coming winter :lol:


----------



## shotlady (Aug 30, 2012)

guess I never looked at it like that. I don't offer. I do. a good gift card to target or macy's or a trip with your own daughter. I never stop to ask- people would turn it down. I do. even if I have to do it anonymously.
hand me downs are super too!


----------



## pheniox17 (Dec 12, 2013)

OK... 

See your delemia 

You know Xmas is coming up don't you?? (Hint hint  ) 

With clothing for their daughter use the excuse "my friend bought this for my girl and it don't fit, can't return it bs bs"

The food gift, idk, with me it will be one massive insult... But one thing may go over much better than food, have a "play date" invite the family over for a Friday night dinner (order pizza or whatever, a real treat to struggling families, but doesn't show any charity) and get to know them (their work ethic, and additude would put them low risk as being undesirables) that will be more rewording to both of you than a random food stamp


----------



## Arklatex (May 24, 2014)

Some decent advice from pulp fiction:


----------



## Gunner's Mate (Aug 13, 2013)

We could organize a Prepper Forum gift drive


----------



## Gunner's Mate (Aug 13, 2013)

There was one then the one became two


----------



## jimb1972 (Nov 12, 2012)

I would try to find something that the mother or father are good at, maybe carpentry or tailoring, but something, then I would find some projects I needed done and pay them in whatever they need at the rate a professional would charge.


----------



## Old Man (Dec 10, 2012)

Have it mail to them, without you name. Or leave it at there door.


----------

