# Cats



## fred.garvin (Sep 20, 2015)

Does anybody know how to get rid of cats? We had a bad rodent problem when my wife Spud (not her real name) inherited the farm from her grandmother (may she RIP). The barn hadnt been used in several years and was infested with mice and rats. Buck's wife Juanita (not her real name) told us to get cats to take care of the mice and rats. I wasn't sure if male cats or female cats would work better so I bought 2 of each. Juanita said to not tame the cats because they'd lose their hunting edge. So we left them in the barn alone. They did a good job on the rodents, especially that big orange one. But now we have more cats than we need. I don't even know how many there are, maybe 15? There are enough cats that we cannot remember the names for each of them so we just call them all Dave. Now it looks like 3 more are pregnant again. There aren't no more rodents in the barn so the cats are now starting to eat the rabbits in the yard. That would be okay except the rabbit make a LOT of noise when the cat eat them. Spud is going on a weekend away with the girls in a couple weeks to the Comic Con convention and when she comes home she will be real tired and want to sleep. All those rabbits making noise as the cats eat them is sure to put her in a bad mood. So any help you all could offer about getting rid of some of the cats will be great.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

.22 LR.

Pellet rifle.

Traps.

A cat-hating dog.


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## Jakthesoldier (Feb 1, 2015)

flame throwers

nukes

mustard gas

pipe bombs


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Let your sister in law (not her real name) eat them.


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## Camel923 (Aug 13, 2014)

Bring in an illegal Chinese Family.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Open a restaurant.


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## hawgrider (Oct 24, 2014)

fred.garvin said:


> Does anybody know how to get rid of cats? We had a bad rodent problem when my wife Spud (not her real name) inherited the farm from her grandmother (may she RIP). The barn hadnt been used in several years and was infested with mice and rats. Buck's wife Juanita (not her real name) told us to get cats to take care of the mice and rats. I wasn't sure if male cats or female cats would work better so I bought 2 of each. Juanita said to not tame the cats because they'd lose their hunting edge. So we left them in the barn alone. They did a good job on the rodents, especially that big orange one. But now we have more cats than we need. I don't even know how many there are, maybe 15? There are enough cats that we cannot remember the names for each of them so we just call them all Dave. Now it looks like 3 more are pregnant again. There aren't no more rodents in the barn so the cats are now starting to eat the rabbits in the yard. That would be okay except the rabbit make a LOT of noise when the cat eat them. Spud is going on a weekend away with the girls in a couple weeks to the Comic Con convention and when she comes home she will be real tired and want to sleep. All those rabbits making noise as the cats eat them is sure to put her in a bad mood. So any help you all could offer about getting rid of some of the cats will be great.


Fred Im afraid the only way to get the cats named Dave under control is tannerite.I personally recommend about 160 lbs of it.


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## MaterielGeneral (Jan 27, 2015)

antifreeze


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## sideKahr (Oct 15, 2014)

Prop an Ipad in the barnyard and let them read fred.garvin posts. They will commit feline-ocide.


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## tango (Apr 12, 2013)

UMM, take them to a shelter--- just a thouight


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

Ain't got no cat problem here, the coyotes take care of them. 
Then my neighbor the cattle rancher shoots the coyotes 'cause they eat his calves.


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## Stick (Sep 29, 2014)

Tacos.


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## hawgrider (Oct 24, 2014)

tango said:


> UMM, take them to a shelter--- just a thouight


That would be in humane.


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## MI.oldguy (Apr 18, 2013)

Fred,(not your real name)herd the cats up and put them in a suitcase.have spud(not her real name)and the girls take them to comic-con.which one are they going to?.I was thinking,MI.oldguy (not my real name)would take them to the New York comic-con and disperse them among the area and they would probably eat well among all the rats (Demo-rats,not their real names)in that city.I hope that may give you an idea how to deal with all the daves you have.


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## RNprepper (Apr 5, 2014)

Take them along to the same place you are planning to dump your sister-in-law (Rosa, Jaunita, or whatever her name isn't). If they have mercy on her, they will surely have mercy on the cats.


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## alterego (Jan 27, 2013)

A semi auto 10 with number 6 lead turkey shot. Take the choke out if so equiped. Scatter gun technology makes a special choke for cats.


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## dsdmmat (Nov 9, 2012)

Denton has the answer, the .22LR is great anti cat medicine.


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## Viper (Jun 4, 2015)

I have 2 hair missiles for that. Ones a German Shepherd and the others a Lab. They like to chase cats. (go figure huh).


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## fred.garvin (Sep 20, 2015)

I can't shoot the cats yet because Buck has not taught me how to shoot a gun. We (Spud and me) are a little afraid of guns so we will wait for Buck. Plus Lilly (not her real name) would be mad because she likes cats a lot. Dave is her favorite, the big orange Dave not the black and white Dave. Lilly (not her real name) is Spud's half sister and is not right since the lost time accident at the plant. But she's nice. A lot nicer than Rosa. Is anyone going to Comic Con? Spud would love to meet some of you, I'm making a lot of friends here. More friends than I have cats! (HA)


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## TacticalCanuck (Aug 5, 2014)

If I had a pussy problem I wouldn't call it a problem at all. Cats people. Pussy cats. Jeesh......


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## Ralph Rotten (Jun 25, 2014)

Assuming you have local predators, a clowder of feral cats should self-maintain its size based on food availability. If you have 15 cats making a living on the rats in your barn, then you gots lotsa rats. 

Do you have coyotes & such?


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## coates776 (Sep 4, 2015)

Why don't you have them de sexed like a good person would and take the unloved ones to the cat shelter.


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## 6811 (Jan 2, 2013)

If slippy was here he would have the answer to Fred's cat problems.


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## Sasquatch (Dec 12, 2014)

Fred you sure do have a lot of problems. Must suck to be you! You my friend have encountered a feline caliphate. They have come in (stupidly invited) and bred and now outnumber you and yours. You're screwed. My advice is move and not make the same mistake twice.

P.S. If you stay you will be subject to Catria Law and things could get dicey.


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## Sheepdog (Jul 22, 2013)

To be honest, you let it go to far and backed yourself into a corner and the cats have to pay for your carelessness. They do have free neuter services out there and you should have taken the first two females and gotten them fixed. You wouldn't be in the predicament you are. They also wouldn't be killing your rabbits if you fed them. Now you either have to kill them yourself, which is what you should do, or take them to a shelter (and they will probably kill them for you). You could run an ad to see if some other barn might need a few but back to my first point, get them fixed first, don't pass on the same issue.


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## fred.garvin (Sep 20, 2015)

coates776 said:


> Why don't you have them de sexed like a good person would and take the unloved ones to the cat shelter.


Spud (not her real name) said we should look into this and maybe Buck (not his real name) knows something about this because he is good at cutting animals up and things like that. I saw Rodney (his real name) walking around on my way to work and so I asked him if he wanted a Dave our cat. Rodney said OK and I told him we are going to de sex Dave first. Rodney said OK. Thanks for the help.


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## Atma (Jul 31, 2015)

Fred (not your real name) you should at the very least feed them so they don't die. If SHTF, you have emergency food! Win win...


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## gambit (Sep 14, 2015)

stir-fried kitty kitty underglass 40 cloves of garlic kitty. cats I think have are higher in protein then beef and its legal in 44 states depending on how its done I guess you need smarter people to research this better ( me dumb as rock )
but sadly I worked with this fool Is it legal to eat your cat?


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## 1skrewsloose (Jun 3, 2013)

I do believe there is a companion book out for "101 ways to WOK your dog", only for cats.


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## 1skrewsloose (Jun 3, 2013)

Will check back in to accept friends when my mind is clearer! Hate this God forsaken 3rd shift!!! Already 45 minutes past my bedtime. I need my sleep!


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## Blackcat (Nov 12, 2012)

Haha this is a bit awesome. I cant say I have an opionion on this either way but I did notice the general concensus of this thread is to eat, blow up or shoot the cats. The humanity... It put a smile on my face 

I wish I had some constructive advice on how to actually get rid of those felines for you. Honestly my first thought was also "eat them" (joking I swear  )

On a side note it reminds me of a short poem I read in school. I think it applies: http://shelsilverstein.yolasite.com/drats.php


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

Hey, Fred? Don't go shooting at our Blackcat member! We like him!


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

You guys are getting trolled.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

James m said:


> You guys are getting trolled.


Fishermen would starve were it not for the fish who take the bait.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Trolling motors are good for fishing.


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Open a sushi restaurant.


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## 8301 (Nov 29, 2014)

3 options
1. Assuming your local shelter will accept them turn them in.
2. While I don't agree with this catch them and dump them far away.
3. Sounds the worse but probably the most humane, shoot them. Even my local shelter (several shelters actually) have said just "put them down" and several actually said shoot them.

Don't mean to be preaching here but every animal I've had the last 30 years has been neutered. It's part of the responsibility of owning a pet.


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## Mish (Nov 5, 2013)

I knew this guy that also had a pussy problem. Damn shame what happened to him...


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## 8301 (Nov 29, 2014)

Mish said:


> I knew this guy that also had a pussy problem. Damn shame what happened to him...


I heard they just fed him some pussy cats and he was much better.


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## fred.garvin (Sep 20, 2015)

You guys are just making fun of me now. I knew I could make good lifelong friends here. If you are ever in the area, let me know. I will take you to Maggie's Diner for the best fried chicken there is. Do you want a cat?


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## 8301 (Nov 29, 2014)

fred.garvin said:


> You guys are just making fun of me now. I knew I could make good lifelong friends here. If you are ever in the area, let me know. I will take you to Maggie's Diner for the best fried chicken there is. Do you want a cat?


Address of diner and time/date. 
Put your wallet where your mouth is and I'll be there, probably...

No pictures, I promise.


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## Viper (Jun 4, 2015)

fred.garvin said:


> You guys are just making fun of me now. I knew I could make good lifelong friends here. If you are ever in the area, let me know. I will take you to Maggie's Diner for the best fried chicken there is. Do you want a cat?


Is that Maggie's (not her real name) Diner per chance?


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## RNprepper (Apr 5, 2014)

fred.garvin said:


> You guys are just making fun of me now. I knew I could make good lifelong friends here. If you are ever in the area, let me know. I will take you to Maggie's Diner for the best fried chicken there is. Do you want a cat?


How do we know it's really chicken?


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## fred.garvin (Sep 20, 2015)

One of the pregnant Daves had her kittens today. So now we have 7 more Daves. At least a couple of them are gray.


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

Sounds like you should consider changing some of the Daves names to Caitlyn.


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## fred.garvin (Sep 20, 2015)

A Watchman said:


> Sounds like you should consider changing some of the Daves names to Caitlyn.


It would be too confusing because you can't tell, from a distance who is Dave and who is Caitlyn. But I suppose we could spray paint a big D or C on them. Now you have me thinking... My neighbor down the road Phil (not his real name) works at an auto body shop. He used to bring me the left over cans of car paint when I was huffing it. I'll bet he would be happy to help out with better names for the cats. You're a genius A Watchman! That is why I like it here. I get so many great ideas.


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

Of course after the name changes you can always take pride in knowing (its not his real name).


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## James m (Mar 11, 2014)

Wait a minute now. Are the cats named Dave, are they all really named Dave or is that not their real name?


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## RNprepper (Apr 5, 2014)

fred.garvin said:


> One of the pregnant Daves had her kittens today. So now we have 7 more Daves. At least a couple of them are gray.


Problem solved. Open a Dave's Diner. Tastes like chicken.


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## Grim Reality (Mar 19, 2014)

Fred, you need to develop a taste for Feline Fricassee. 

"Fricassee" : a dish of small pieces of meat cooked in liquid and served in a thick white sauce. Okay? 

When you thin the herd, if you don't keep SOME cats here and about, the rodent population will no
doubt return. You can keep a few cats to keep things balanced. But population control is a necessity.
Birth control by sterilization is preferred...IMO. 

If history tells us anything...

During the 1340's (as well as other outbreaks later) people were dealing with "The Plague". 
Their minds went into overdrive with despair. Look up the "Flagellates" for instance. But 
another means of reducing the imagined causes of the pestilence was to kill the cats. 
Cats were perceived as vessels of evil.

Time and science have revealed an important cause of the propogation of Yersinia Pestis
was the transport of fleas, who were bearing the bacillus, who were transported about by
rats.

It is postulated that the spread of the disease could have been mitigated if more
cats had lived.

GRIM


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## Maine-Marine (Mar 7, 2014)

Snakes, large snakes

but 6 months from now you will be asking how to get rid of snakes

Mongoose


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## cdell (Feb 27, 2014)

Mish said:


> I knew this guy that also had a pussy problem. Damn shame what happened to him...


Bruce Jenner?


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## Montana Rancher (Mar 4, 2013)

Gah
I couldn't make it through 6 pages of glib replies on how to get rid of cats.

Here is the definitive answer...

First if you want barn cats then use only females and have them spayed. Males may or may not catch mice but they often play with their food and they get away. (not sure if there is some point there but it is true)

Female cats seem to follow their larger cousins and hunt and hunt a lot, usually to bring the kills back to the lazy male doing his duties and nothing else.

I'm coming to a really good point but the point here in nature is that the females do all the work and the male does little (talking about cats now)

So this is the perfect "barn cat" set up with spayed females doing all the work and no males.

Now that you have messed with nature and have dozens of cats running loose, I agree with 80% of the posts above that you shoot them ALL. Once they are all dead, get 2 spayed females and you should be golden, I said shoot them all because feral cats if you spay them will often just disappear, not sure why it just happens and you lose the $35 you paid.

It sounds coarse but I have had a lot of "barn" cats that were very friendly and in the winter I feed them a lot, the upside is that I see them many times working the barn or around the farm machinery and carrying off mice.

did I mention, Only spayed females, that is the way to go.


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## hawgrider (Oct 24, 2014)

Montana, 
This whole thread was a spoof. Fred Garvin the OP (Dan Aykroyd ) male prostitute. Freds time here was short but his legecy lives on forever in our memories.


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