# The official Want to hear a joke? Thread.



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian?

Sent from my SM-S337TL using Tapatalk


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

Somebody that shows up at your door for no real reason. Bahdumchuck!

Sent from my SM-S337TL using Tapatalk


----------



## The Tourist (Jun 9, 2016)

Why does Nancy Pelosi only carry single dollar bills? Because she doesn't have any cents...


----------



## Chipper (Dec 22, 2012)

Hillary, :vs_laugh: What happen?? :vs_lol:


----------



## Denver (Nov 16, 2012)

Why doesn't Trump need glasses?

He's already got 2020!


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

Sometimes I just need a laff. This fit the bill.


----------



## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

*If dogs could text!*


----------



## watcher (Aug 24, 2013)

Death wish..


----------



## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

Henny Youngman was great! Here's one of his jokes:

*How to drive a guy crazy: Send him a telegram and at the top put 'page two.'
*


----------



## StratMaster (Dec 26, 2017)




----------



## Back Pack Hack (Sep 15, 2016)

Annie said:


> Sometimes I just need a laff. This fit the bill.


Pffft . Amateurs.


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

Back Pack Hack said:


> Pffft . Amateurs.


Haha,good one! I hadn't ever seen that one. Here's for you.


----------



## Back Pack Hack (Sep 15, 2016)

Oh, all right. If it's gonna be a Pythonfest, let's return the parrot, then cut down some trees!


----------



## SDF880 (Mar 28, 2013)

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino???

Elephino

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls on him?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

I know....corny!


----------



## paraquack (Mar 1, 2013)

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. When this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind of cute for an old fart. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're over seventy............who cares?

**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're over seventy............who cares?

***********
I as talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She looks me over said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip, but... When you're over seventy............who cares?

***********
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman 
was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but… When you're over seventy............who cares?

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in. When you're over seventy............who cares?

*********** I 
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're over seventy............who cares?


----------



## rstanek (Nov 9, 2012)

Mister Ed walked into the bar and ordered a drink, the bartender asked, Ed, why the long face?


----------



## Back Pack Hack (Sep 15, 2016)

A boy and his father walk into a pharmacy where they walk by the display of condoms.

The boy turns to his father and ask what condoms are, and the father initiates an impromptu explanation of the birds and the bees.

The boy, intrigued, asks his father, "So why are there packs of three?"

The father picks up a three pack of condoms and says, "Well, son, this three pack is when you're in high school. One for Friday night, and two for Saturday."

Satisfied with the answer, but still curious, the boy inquires, "But what are they packs of six for?"

The father then goes to the pack with six condoms and says, "This pack is for when you're in college, son. Two for Friday, three for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The boy then point to a 12 pack of condoms and says "Wow, dad!.... a pack with _twelve_ of them. Who uses these"?

The father lets out a soft sign and drops his head. "Son, these are for after you get married. One for January, one for February, ......".


----------



## watcher (Aug 24, 2013)

M 2 cents worth..


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vender? 

"Make me one with everything."

:vs_bananasplit:


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

Back Pack Hack said:


> Oh, all right. If it's gonna be a Pythonfest, let's return the parrot, then cut down some trees!


----------



## KUSA (Apr 21, 2016)

What do you call a stolen Tesla?











Spoiler



An Edison.


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

What did the monarch say at his coronation?

"This is my crowning achievement."

_ar, ar, ar...._


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

Priest speaks to widow at Irish wake:
"And how did the poor man, die?"
"He died of the drink, Father."
"Ahh....so sad. Had he ever considered joining AA?
"Goodness no, Father. He wasn't that bad."


----------



## Robie (Jun 2, 2016)

I told my son last night I wanted to talk with him.

Yeah dad, what's up?

Sit down son...I have something to tell you.

I wanted to let you know...you were adopted.

The boy sat there a few moments thinking, then looked at me and said...

Thanks Dad, I appreciate you telling me this. I want to say though, I want to meet my biological father.

I chuckled to myself and said...

Son, you don't understand. I am your biological father. You've been adopted and they are picking you up at 7:00.


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?

A: Nothing.


----------



## JafoDawg (Dec 28, 2017)

Ok here's my joke..

Teacher has a 3rd grade class... She says "today children I will give you a word to spell and then you need to use it in a sentence."

The teacher calls on Freddie.... "Freddie please spell apple and use it in a sentence."

Freddie responds, "Yes Ma'am, A-P-P-L-E, I have an apple tree in my yard." "Very good Freddie" the teachers responds..

The teacher calls on Mary.... "Mary please spell lightbulb and use it in a sentence."

Mary responds, "Yes Ma'am I'll try, L-I-G-H-T-B-U-L-B, My daddy broke a light bulb and mommy was mad."

The teacher responds, "Very good Mary!"

The teacher picks Little Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, Your word is dictate."

Buckwheat looks at the teacher with a smile and said, "Otay Ma'am, D-I-C-T-A-T-E....." The teacher replies, "that's excellent Buckwheat, now can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yes Ma'am, How do my dictate Darla!" With that Buckwheat was suspended from school!


----------



## StratMaster (Dec 26, 2017)

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


----------



## Annie (Dec 5, 2015)

How did the KKK get the Unitarian to leave the neighborhood?

They burned a giant question mark on his front lawn...:devil:


----------



## MisterMills357 (Apr 15, 2015)

paraquack said:


> I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. When this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind of cute for an old fart. You gotta phone number?"
> I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
> She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
> I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you're over seventy............who cares?
> ...


You must be a Marx brothers fan. I know that I am.


----------

