# Daily Humour



## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

They say a good belly laugh is good for the soul...

Ran across this story today, forgive me if you have heard it:

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lunar module, he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


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## Camel923 (Aug 13, 2014)

Classic. Heard it before but a great quote none the less.


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## Targetshooter (Dec 4, 2015)

lmao good one the wife liked it to .


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

Targetshooter said:


> lmao good one the wife liked it to .


I hope you both like this one too...

The following is an actual answer given to a
question in a UCLA chemistry
mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and
heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:> > >> > >
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving
into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave - therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
lets look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go
to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities.
1.. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2.. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate
faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
me by Ms Andrea Banyan during my Freshman year, that
"...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you" and take into account the fact that I
still have not had sexual relations with her, then,
#2 cannot be true. Thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze......This student received the only "A" given


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## 6811 (Jan 2, 2013)

Maol9 said:


> They say a good belly laugh is good for the soul...
> 
> Ran across this story today, forgive me if you have heard it:
> 
> On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lunar module, he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


Apparently this was a myth.... Neil Armstrong never said good luck Mr. Gorsky. Good story but not true... Sorry.


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## bigwheel (Sep 22, 2014)

Now the nice Creation Scientists from Glen Rose says Armstrong's first words on the moon were.."Its solid." Referring to the idea that since the moon was so many billions of years old that it should have a layer of dust sixty feet deep or so. They found it wasn't implying a younger moon. Found a link on snopes which said it wasnt true..but they lie a lot. 
http://jesusisiam.com/


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

6811 said:


> Apparently this was a myth.... Neil Armstrong never said good luck Mr. Gorsky. Good story but not true... Sorry.


I watched it all live and don't recall it either.

No need to be sorry, it is very funny...


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

Country Classic...

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a duck off a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

Apparently SGG is the only one currently nursing their sense o of humor...

and if he is as smart as I think he is; he is nursing a little Kilbeggan...

Perhaps this one will nudge the rest of you curmudgeons to tickle your funny bone...

***********************************************************

Seriously folks, laugh, it is the end of the world as you know it, 

No I am flipping serious, and I mean it, really Laugh!!!


***********************************************************

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know,. Follow along... 

Really, please only do this with....

Strangers!!!

**********************************************************

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her.
(I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$ho!3!"
and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$ho!3' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a$$ho!3!"

It always cheered me up. 

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$ho!3' calling days would have to stop. 
So, I called his number one last time and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.

I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an a$$ho!3!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the first a$$ho!3 (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better
call the BMW a$$ho!3, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"
he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" 

"Don, you're an a$$ho!3!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two a$$ho!3s to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
a brilliant idea:

I called a$$ho!3 #1. "Hello" "You're an a$$ho!3!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he
screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don
Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?"

"You Freaking a$$ho!3, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, in a yellow house with my black
Beemer our front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
you freaking a$$ho!3."

Then I called a$$ho!3 # 2: "Hello?" he said. 

"Hello a$$ho!3," I said. 

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your
ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, a$$ho!3, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
a$$ho!3s beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helicopter, and news crew

I felt a lot better now.

Seriously folks, a lot freaking better. 

Guaranteed a a lot better than you...

You freaking a$$ho!3!!!


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## Coastie dad (Jan 2, 2016)

Maol9 for the win!

I have tears in my eyes!



And a phone book on my lap............heh, heh, heh.....


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

Thumbs up!


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home
and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story ...

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a
big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asks for the moral of the story, Suzy replies, "Don't keep
all your eggs in one basket"

Next is little Lucy ... "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of
the 12 eggs hatched."

... Teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Lucy replies "Don't count
your eggs before they're hatched."

Last is little Johnny ... "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank
the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100
Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story ... Johnny replies, "Of course Teach, you just don't mess with my 
Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, in Oct of 1995. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British naval ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. … Your call…


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

And now to lighten the spirit here:

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to
tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

Bush did it again!


Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and,
while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the
windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her
head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda 's
eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay,
and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been
holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought
it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be
a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from
2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.-


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. 

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700.

" The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.


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## Chiefster23 (Feb 5, 2016)

This is a true story. You can't fix stupid.
Years ago I was aboard a USNS fleet oiler operating in the Med refueling the NIMITZ and FORRESTAL carrier groups. Our group of auxiliary ships was positioned between the 2 carrier groups. The crew were all civilians except a few navy signalmen that helped with communications. The NIMITZ blinker light signaled that their group was coming left to a new course that would directly intersect with our ship. Our "brilliant" captain received this info from one of our signalmen and asked " what do you recommend, chief?" The chief signalman replied " with all due respect captain, I recommend we get the f--k out of the way!" 
You can't make this shit up!


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

From my Mother-in-Law:

I can relate to those Security Moms. I realized I wasn't feeling safe anymore either. So...

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN still buy on e-bay) and put it in the CENTER of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer plus we're saving $69.95 a month by dumping ADT.

Oh yea, I bought burkas for the family for when we go shopping or travel. It's great, everyone moves out of way and security can't pat us down.

Safe at last – only in the USA!


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."


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## A Watchman (Sep 14, 2015)

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? 

Chelsea Clinton


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## stowlin (Apr 25, 2016)

A republican, libertarian and democrat are all sentenced to death by guiotine. The republican goes first. His head is lowered, the blade pulled high, and released. The blade falls and stops 3" short of the man's neck. Quickly a magistrate speaks out that if the blade falls sentence is served and the republican is set free. The libertarian goes next, the rope pulls the blade higher, it's released and stops 2.5" short of his neck. It's amazing because thr Libertarian has this long braid of hair that was actually cut off by the blade. The democrat whines, cries and demands to speak to the magistrate. They agree and the magistrate comes forward. Sir, the democrat says, I demand you take that braid of hair and extend the rope or thid darn government contraption will never work!


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## Maol9 (Mar 20, 2015)

*Old joke about a newly discovered element...*

*Sorry if it isn't new to you.​*
This new element has been named Governmentium.

Governmentium (GV) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons -- giving it an Atomic Mass of
312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called Morons - which are
surrounded by vast quantities of Lepton-like particles -- called Peons.

Since GV has no Electrons - it is inert. However - it can be detected --
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of GV causes one reaction to take over four days to complete
-- when it would normally take less than a second!

GV has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay -- but -- instead
-- undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the Assistant Neutrons
and Deputy Neutrons exchange places. In fact - Governmentium's mass will
actually increase over time -- since each re-organization will cause more
Morons to become Neutrons - forming Isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
that GV is formed whenever Morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as - Critical
Morass.

When catalyzed with money - GV becomes Administratium (Am) -- an element
which radiates just as much energy as GV - since it has half as many Peons
- but twice as many Morons.


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## Back Pack Hack (Sep 15, 2016)

Maol9 said:


> They say a good belly laugh is good for the soul...
> 
> Ran across this story today, forgive me if you have heard it:
> 
> On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lunar module, he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"


Too bad it just isn't true. Skip up to about 2:16:30.


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