# Joke Of The Day



## C5GUY

We all seem to be spending a lot of our time thinking about tragic events that we feel like will impact our lives soon. I often think we are spending too much of our short time on the earth dwelling on the negatives of this old world. I say we spend some of our time each day with a little humor and maybe even a chuckle or two...or three. So I am starting this thread with my contribution for "the joke of the day" and look forward to reading your's. Enjoy!
*
So my teetotaler neighbor lady who more than once has noticed that I tend to imbibe...sometimes maybe to the extreme...asked me yesterday what drove me to drink. I calmly but politely told her that usually I took my Chevelle.*:mrgreen:


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## survival

I agree, part of prepping is keeping a good mental attitude. Sometimes one can get so tied up in all the news and disasters around the world that it can drive you nuts.

Speaking of which...

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch... the bartender say's, "hey, don't that hurt?"... the pirate say's yeah, its driving me nuts. :razz:


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## Prepadoodle

An illegal alien, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"


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## 6811

what does Simba and Obama have in common?

one is an African Lion and the other is a Lyin African...


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## warrior4

Three blondes are walking through the woods when they come upon a set of tracks. "I think they're rabbit tracks," says the first blonde. "No, they're duck tracks," said the second blonde. "Can't be," says the third. "They're obviously moose tracks." They were all still arguing when the train hit them.


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## Chipper

Blonde was out working in her back yard trimming shrubs and accidentally cut your cats tail off. So she takes the cat to Walmart. She heard that they are the world's largest retailer.


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## Mish

Conservatives don't lie. lol


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## csi-tech

A Pirate Captain overheard the lookout in the crow's nest shout: British warship on the horizon! He bravely ordered one of his men to bring him his red shirt, that way during the heat battle they will never know I'm bleeding! The lookout shouted a correction: My bad, there are 100 British warships on the horizon! To which the Captain quickly said; "Yarggggh! Bring me my brown pants instead!


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## paraquack

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.” No one moved. The preacher continued. "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.


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## Urinal Cake

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED
What is the difference between girls/women
Aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

***********************************************************************************

At age 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story

***********************************************************************************

At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 28
You don't need to tell her a story
To take her to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 38

She tells you a story and takes you to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

***********************************************************************************

At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story

***********************************************************************************

At 68
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

***********************************************************************************

At 78
What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?

***********************************************************************************
According to the
Office for National Statistics

190,374
People are having sex right now

212,130
Are kissing

And, one old fart is
Reading forum Jokes!


You hang in there sunshine!


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## Prepadoodle

A blonde walks into a bar, says, "ouch," then rubs her head.


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## Salt-N-Pepper

They Patriots won the Super Bowl and took home the trophy, but in the end you have to give it to Marshawn Lynch of the Seahawks…

NO, REALLY COACH, YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT TO MARSHAWN LYNCH...


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## warrior4

A plane is in trouble and is going to crash, sadly due to misplanning there are only two parachutes for the three persons on board who include, the elderly pilot, a Boy Scout, and President Obama. President Obama says, "I'm the most powerful man in the world, I get a parachute." He takes a chute and promptly jumps out. The elderly pilot goes up to the Boy Scout and says, "Son, I've led a good life. You take the other chute." The Boy Scout says, "There's still two parachutes. President Obama took my knapsack."


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## Jakthesoldier

12345


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## Jakthesoldier

12345


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## Michael_Js

*The Ocean - ALL you Need to Know!! *

Children Writing About the Ocean&#8230;.

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an azzhole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat azz. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown, I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)


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## Michael_Js

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A 
YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A 
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, 
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID 
DANCE...NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."


A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD 
BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED 
HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, 
HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, 
AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT 
AIR.

THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY 
SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST
DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE 
LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE 
QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S bubblegum?"



THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM ... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS 
WANTED TO."



THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING.


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## James m

It's truly sad that the United States is the richest most powerful nation, yet we can't send Hillary Clinton away for a face lift.


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## UrbanDwarf

A little racist...I know you've ya own views but...*Hopes he isn't banned*


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## James m

If drunken driving is illegal, why do bars have parking lots.


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## paraquack

'Hello, is dis the Redwood Falls Sheriff's 
Office?' 

'Yes. What can I do for you?' 

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Ole Johnson...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's hidin' it dere.' 

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' 

The next day, twelve of Redwood Falls finest Sheriff's Deputies descend on 
Ole's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. 

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. 

They sneer at Ole and leave. 

Shortly, the phone rings at Ole's house. 'Hey, Ole! Dis here's Sven....Did the Sheriff come?' 

'Yah! They did!' 

'Did they chop your firewood?' 

'Yah!' 

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


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## UrbanDwarf

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".
UrbanDwarf


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## UrbanDwarf

Oops..double posted...Had to edit


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## James m

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?"

The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
Tweet


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## James m

One more.

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"


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## paraquack

Hillary Clinton makes the same claims as to why she is qualified to be
the President and 50% of Democrats polled agreed.

She has never run a city, county, or state during her "career" of being
Bill Clinton's wife. When told Hillary Clinton has experience because she
has 8 years in the White House, my immediate thought was,
"So has the pastry chef."

When it comes to running the State Department, her biggest achievement was
getting a US Ambassador and 3 other Americans killed, by pretending
terrorism had been defeated.


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## paraquack

I got the mail from my mail box a few minutes ago and found a letter from the IRS.
I immediately opened the letter and found I was being audited for my tax return of 2014 from the IRS.
Completely puzzled, since I had never been audited before, I carefully read the letter.
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to question #6: "List all dependents?"
I replied: myself, my spouse, and
12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
210 thousand people in over 93 prisons;
One sixth of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
1 useless President.
Evidently, I made an error.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Heck DID I MISS?


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## Ralph Rotten

One dark night in the middle of the day,
two dead men got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and shot those two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
then ask the blind man;
he saw it too.


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## James m

The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile crashed in my area. Its horrible!
Oscar Mayer Wienermobile slams into pole, snarls traffic - The Morning Call


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## sideKahr

James m said:


> The Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile crashed in my area. Its horrible!
> Oscar Mayer Wienermobile slams into pole, snarls traffic - The Morning Call


Oh no, the humanity!


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## Michael_Js

Oldies, but I still laugh! 

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes," she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Lots of dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

That's when the fight began . . .

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning . . .

the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started


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## paraquack

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. 

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. 

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." 

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. 

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, 

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?


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## Big Country1

How to begin each new day feeling happy and positive:
1. On your computer screen, open a new folder.
2. Give it the name "Barack Obama."
3. Move it directly to the trash.
4. Select "Empty trash."
5. Your computer will ask you if you really want to get rid of Barack Obama.
6. Answer "Yes" loudly, then firmly click the mouse.
7. There now, doesn't that feel better?


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## Big Country1

-Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason. 

-A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."


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## Big Country1

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.


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## Sarahwalker

3 Vampires walked into a Bar.

Rich Vampire: "Bartender, get me Fresh Blood."

Average Vampire: "One Blood bag for me."

Poor Vampire: "I'll have a cup of hot water please."

Both vampires turned to him. The Poor Vampire shrugged and said, "I found a tampon."


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## Big Country1

A man walks into a scientist’s lab looking to buy a new brain. He asks the scientist how much the brains cost. 

The scientist says, “Well first we have a normal human brain, it costs $1000, next we have a scientist’s brain, it costs $5000, and then we come to a politician’s, it costs $10,000.”

“How come the politician’s brain costs so much?”, asks the man.

The scientist replies, “Because it’s never been used.”


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## Big Country1

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. 

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor.

“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

“Did you see this terrible accident happen?”

“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.

“Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.

“Nope. They all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”

“The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief.

“Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t… but you know what a liar he is.”


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## Big Country1

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective for us all in one of its releases:

-A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
-A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
-A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
And....................
-A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends our money.


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## paraquack

While I appreciate your post, Big Country1 that ain't funny!


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## Big Country1

paraquack said:


> While I appreciate your post, Big Country1 that ain't funny!


More of a fact, that a joke...


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## Michael_Js

Subject: Sad News


This is so disappointing.

CNN reported today that Walt Disney's new film the Inner City Chicago version of "Snow White” has been cancelled.

All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho, Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.

They also say they have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go."


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## paraquack

An old man walked up and tied his mule to the hitching post.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face
and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon
with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old prospector and laughed,
"Hey old man, you know how to dance?" 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I
never learned to dance... Never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,
"Well, you old fart, you're gonna learn now," and started
shooting at the old man's feet. 

The old prospector not wanting to get his toe blown off started 
hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet 
had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered 
his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 
shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly 
through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned
around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd 
watched as the young gunman stared at the old man and the large 
gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun 
never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "So tell 
me son, have you ever kissed a Mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No Sir... Can’t rightly say 
that I have. But... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons here for all of us:
1 - never be arrogant.
2 - don't waste ammunition.
3 - whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.


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## paraquack

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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## Murphy

A termite walks into a bar and says, is the bar tender here?



How do you get a Kleenex to dance? Put a little boogie in it


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## Murphy

Dale stops by his freind Steve's house, Steve's wife answers the door and says Steve isn't here but should be shortly and invites Dale inside to wait. 

Dale and Steve's wife are sitting in the kitchen talking, waiting on Steve when Dale says to Steve's wife I'll give you a 100 bucks if you show me your tits. 

Steve's wife says why not and shows Dale her tits.

Dale throws down the 100 bucks and says he can't wait for Steve any longer and decides to leave. 

A few minutes later Steve comes in the house and asks his wife if Dale dropped off the 100 bucks he owes him.


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## Oddcaliber

I dated a girl that was into bondage,but when I asked for a date she said she was tied up!


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## James m

Today I ordered a tactical whale from Amazon. Just waiting on the big guy to ship.

View attachment 11227


But would you believe that, the idea of a tactical whale popped into my head. Then a picture of a tactical whale is found within 30 seconds.


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## Mish

There once was this guy named DENTON...


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## James m

What the heck is mush talking about??


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## paraquack

Before I moved to AZ, I was driving home and listening to a sports call-in program, carried by WGN in Chicago on SIRIUS. People were calling in, very upset, about the goat's head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field. 

Then some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you people so upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?" 

I had to pull over.


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## paraquack

My wife is an avid reader of Dear Abby in the newspaper, she pointed this one out to me.
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when 
I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on 
me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked 
for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with 
his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to 
college he doesn't even pretend to like me and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless 

Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! 
You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one.


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## CourtSwagger

plot, twist - Wtf man, major plot twist


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## James m

paraquack said:


> My wife is an avid reader of Dear Abby in the newspaper, she pointed this one out to me.
> Dear Abby,
> My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when
> I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on
> me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked
> for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with
> his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to
> college he doesn't even pretend to like me and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
> What should I do?
> Signed: Clueless
> 
> Dear Clueless,
> Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore!
> You're running for President of the United States.
> Act like one.


That's a good one!! I groaned and I laughed.


----------



## paraquack

My Fellow American,
I'm an unaccomplished lawyer from Arkansas, married to a former popular U.S. 
president who has cheated on me throughout our marriage, with my full knowledge. 
I later became a U.S. senator because of my relationship to that president and, 
again, accomplished nothing, only to run for president in 2008 based only on my 
experience as a tolerant wife and token senator. I was beaten for the highest 
elected office in the nation by an entirely unqualified African-American man who 
holds has the same leftist beliefs as I, but hates the United States even more. 
Subsequently, I served as his secretary of state for much of his first term, where, 
yet again, I accomplished less than nothing -- unless, of course, you count other 
the frequent flyer miles at taxpayer expense and pressing an imaginary "reset 
button" that accomplished even less than the rest of my career in so-called public 
service. As an aside, the Secret Service agents assigned to protect me found me so 
abrasive and dismissive that they considered it "punishment" to be assigned to me.
For these reasons, I believe I should be the next president of the United States.
Thank you, Hillary Rodham Clinton


----------



## kevincali

While at the hospital with my mom, there was a very "open" gentleman in the next bed. 

The nurse walked in there, and asked the gentleman what was going on. 

"I'm bleeding 'down there'"

Nurse asked naively "where down there?"

Gentleman responded "my Johnson"

Nurse replies "well, lets look at it"

Guy drops his drawers. Nurse replies "oh you were recently circumcised"

Guy says "yeah, a couple days ago. I got tired of the stitches, so I took them out. It's been painful ever since. I can hardly move without feeling pain." 

There was an awkward silence (ever been in the ER? It's friggin loud). So I chimed in:

"Yeah I was circumcised as a baby and couldn't walk for 2 years!"

The whole room was laughing except for a couple people who I don't think got it. 

I do feel bad for the guy though. I think he had to get restitched.


----------



## paraquack

We need to start an advice column.
First one:
Red meat is not bad for you,
Fuzzy green meat is *bad for you*.


----------



## James m

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.

Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Obama’s clock?' asked the man.

Obama’s clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.


----------



## paraquack

James m, I thought you were going to say it was being used to power Jesus' helicopter.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And ...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing fact is ... the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.


----------



## James m

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." –David Letterman

"President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation. " —Jay Leno*

"President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents." --Jay Leno**

Did you hear about.....*
> Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?,*
> Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "You mean SEAL Team 6?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> im: "You mean voter fraud?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"*
> Bob: "No the other one:.*
> Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The president's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The president's threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The president's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The president's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"*
> Bob: "No, the other one."*
> Jim: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don't pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?"*
> Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"


----------



## James m

View attachment 11279
View attachment 11280


----------



## Medic33

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
???
???

that's cute but how do you pick up peanuts with it.


----------



## paraquack

A student played high school football in Detroit. He was a great running back, but a really poor 
student. At graduation, he was short a few credits to graduate. But he was a great football star 
and the students held a rally and demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway. They were 
so insistent that the principal agreed if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would 
give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students 
packed the place. It was standing room only. The principal was on the stage and Darqueeze him 
to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Darqueeze, if you can answer 
this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Darqueeze said he was ready and the principal 
asked him the question
"Darqueeze, how much is three times seven?"
"Darqueeze" looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, and shifted his weight from side 
to side pondering the question. The other students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! 
Graduate him anyway! Then Darqueeze held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. 
He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."
A hush fell over the auditorium and all the other students began to chant. 
*"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"*


----------



## paraquack

So for the last year, my bank sends me a short text with my checking account balance. 
I just wish they wouldn't put "LOL" at the end.


----------



## paraquack

The other day I went over to a nearby Walgreen Pharmacy. When I got there, I went 
straight back to the back of the store to where the pharmacist's counter is located and 
took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Because I'm a senior citizen, I guess the pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My Doctor told me to get my urine tested for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that Walgreen's, but I really don't care though, because they charge to much
on my meds and they aren't very friendly there anyway!!!


----------



## Michael_Js

The " M " word...

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women , blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims? Time to level the playing field and be politically correct by including the Muslims!


Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim.


----------



## James m

From 2 on down they are hilarious.


----------



## paraquack

A habitual liar tells lies very frequently.
A bad habitual liar screws up and gets caught in her lies.
A good habitual liar gets away with some of her lies.
A sociopathic liar doesn’t care if she gets caught in her lies.
A good (sarcastic) sociopathic liar believes her own lies. 
A really good sociopathic liar gets the media to confirm her lies when she actually talks to them.


----------



## paraquack

Wednesday morning the weather was too bad to go out to the shooting range. 
I was bored with nothing to do.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

I opened it to find a young, well dressed man standing there who said: 
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said, "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk 
about?"

He said, "Beats the hell out of me. Nobody's ever let me in before."


----------



## paraquack

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. 
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. Susie fell back asleep. 
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' 
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep again. 
The Nun asked her a third question... 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that dang thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' 
The nun fainted.


----------



## paraquack

True, not a joke!
I was checking Costco to find out if they have a senior day. A pop up ad comes up, 
they are now embracing the senior market by offering a casket with expedited delivery. 
It will be delivered by 5 PM the next day. It's about time they look at the senior market.


----------



## paraquack

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, 
when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass. "If you do not mind me 
saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you 
not take it out?" 
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my ass." 
"I do not understand", said the other. 
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. 
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white 
beard and top hat came boiling out." He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can 
grant you one wish." I said, "No shit?"

*Note: This story was confirmed by Brian Williams. He was there when it happened.*


----------



## James m

Did you hear about the illness running through the police barracks? It was the swine flu.


----------



## PatriotFlamethrower

An Indian chief and his son were walking through the woods. The son turns to his father and asks, "Father, how did you choose my name?"

The Indian chief told his son, "In our tribe, after a son is born, the father leaves the teepee, and names his son after the first thing he sees."

"Why do ask, Two Dogs Fu**ing?"


----------



## slewfoot

Two great white sharks swimming 
in the ocean spied
the survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said
to the son shark and they swam to 
the 
mass of people.

"First we swim around them a
few times 
with just the tip of our fins showing.
" And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around 
them a few times with all of our fins 
showing.
" And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, 
the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them 
all at first? 
Why did we swim around and around 
them?"

His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better if you scare the chit out of them first!"


----------



## darsk20

A young bull and an onld bull were on a hill overlooking their herd of cows.

The young bull asked the old bull, "Why don't we run down there and f#$! us a cow?"

The old bull replied, "I would rather walk and f#$! 'em all."


----------



## PaulS

The experience and wisdom of age.


----------



## William Warren

James m said:


> View attachment 11279
> View attachment 11280


Those links just give me a screen that says they're invalid.


----------



## James m

William Warren said:


> Those links just give me a screen that says they're invalid.


It only let's you post so many pictures so I had to delete old ones.
View attachment 11966

Here ya go. Animation.


----------



## William Warren

Here's an oldie-but-goodie. My apologies if someone else, etc.

-------------------

A chicken farmer goes to the market and picks up a young rooster to help his hens produce more eggs. 

As soon as the youngster is set loose in the barnyard, he walks up to the old rooster and lays down the law in the secret chicken language: "Old timer, I'm here to take over. You're not cutting the mustard anymore, and I'm going to be handling the hens from now on. If you'll just step aside, there won't be any trouble." 

The old timer looks him up and down, and replies "See here, junior, I may be old but I can still take care of the hens. You've got the wrong impression of me, and I think it's only fair that we settle this with a race! If you can beat me from here around the barn and back, I'll admit you're the cock of the walk and I'll retire."

The young rooster can't believe what he's hearing: "Around the barn? Back to here? Old dude, you'll be lucky you don't die in the middle of the race!"

The senior stud thinks for a moment, and answers "Well, I have been around the barn a few times, and time does take a toll, so I'll tell you what: you give me a ten second head start, and I'll step down if you can tie me at the end of the race. Now, that's fair!"

Junior scoffs at him: "Ten seconds? Are you kidding? I can beat you no matter what, and you can forget about a tie!"

So, they line up, and the old cock sets off, with his young challenger laugher at how slow he is: "Hurry up old man! I might have to take a nap and catch up later!" But, true to his promise, he gives the old-timer the ten seconds, and then, still laughing, he steps up and takes off at top speed. 

BLAM!

... and the chicken farmer walks up to the corpse of the young rooster, with his shotgun smoking, and mutters to himself "Dammit! That's the third gay rooster this month!"


----------



## Quip

Well, I applied for a "Building Permit", to remodel my old house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars.

I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me; 

"Forget about it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!"

So, I resubmitted the application .....

but this time I called it a "Mosque."

Work starts on Monday and here is the best part ... 

It's going to be 'Tax Exempt!!


----------



## Quip

*Quote of the day*


----------



## PatriotFlamethrower

Quip said:


> View attachment 11967


I don't know whether to laugh, or puke.


----------



## dwight55

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish? 
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish. 
Warden: your pet fish? How's that? 
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night. 
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!! 
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake) 
Warden: well this I got to see!! 
5 minutes later... 
Warden: well?? 
Man: what? 
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish?? 
Man: what fish??

May God bless,
Dwight


----------



## James m

A funny video. Apologize if you've already seen it.


----------



## slewfoot

sorry for the f word but couldn't get it to edit.


----------



## James m




----------



## PaulS

Now THAT'S what duct tape is for!


----------



## Gunner's Mate

The Pentagon announced this week the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States ******* Special Forces (USRSF).

The back-wooders will be dropped off in Iraq and will be given only the following facts about ISIS:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, bacon, BBQ, pickups, nude women, country music…or Jesus.
AND………
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in IRAQ to be over by next Friday.


----------



## chemikle

How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but nobody rubs your balls and says, "good job"?


----------



## James m

Rub your own F'in balls.


----------



## PaulS

They don't rub your balls? Do you notice it's always women who do it?


----------



## paraquack

My sister-in-law is one of those paranoid people who rip open the shower curtain 
(and some times rip it down in the process) to check for some rapist/murder. 
Since she is an anti-gunner, I've always wondered she'd do if she discovered one.


----------



## PaulS

Use the torn shower curtain to cover up. It's more fun if you have to "unwrap" your prize.


----------



## James m

Paul sometimes you really scare me....


----------



## Prepadoodle

Why isn't surprising that Republicans lost two presidential races to Obama? 

In long races the guy from Kenya usually wins.


----------



## PaulS

James m said:


> Paul sometimes you really scare me....


I don't know why... I am completely heterosexual and you are male. Now I could understand why the women here might be scared but I have too much respect for women to mistreat them. (consensual binding and discipline is not mistreating - it is giving a treat)


----------



## paraquack

In response to all the recent PMs about my dog:

Please be advised, I am sick and tired of answering questions about him. Yes, he bit 
six people wearing Obama tee-shirts, four people wearing Nancy Pelosi tee-shirts, 
twelve people wearing Hillary 2016 tee-shirts, two car drivers with rap music blaring 
from their vehicles, nine teenagers with their pants hanging past their ass cracks, 
three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver whining about America being a terrible country. 

So for the last time... my dog is not for sale!

and no, i do not approve of his smoking, but he says it helps get the "bad taste" out of his mouth.


----------



## azrancher

paraquack said:


> So for the last time... my dog is not for sale!.


So Quack, just one last question.... how much is his stud fee?

*Rancher*


----------



## paraquack

Rosie O'Donnell's tragic accident
View attachment 12717


----------



## Roaddawg

A 2nd grade teacher tells her students, "Today boys and girls I am going to ask you to spell a word and then use it in a sentence."

The teacher picks Mary, "Mary, please spell Seagull." Mary replies, Yes ma'am, "S E A G U L L", The teacher replies, "Very Good Mary, now can you use that word in a sentence?"

"Yes Ma'am I can. I saw a seagull when I was at the seashore with my family." The teacher replies, "That was very good Mary, you may be seated."

The teacher now picks little Frankie, "Frank please spell Horse and then use it in a sentence." Frankie replies, "H O R S E." And then he says, " I saw a horse when I visited my Grandpa's farm."

The teacher replies, "Very Good Frank, please be seated."

Lastly teacher picks Buckwheat. The teacher says, "Buckwheat, can you please spell dictate?" Buckwheat stands and replies slowly and with great thought, "Yes Ma'am, D I C T A T E."

The teacher replies, "Very good Buckwheat, now can you use that word in a sentence?" Buckwheat replies, "Yes Ma'am I can, How do my dictate Darla?"

The teacher simply tells Buckwheat to be seated.


----------



## just mike

Muslim double dating.
View attachment 12893


----------



## James m

A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up.

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly. "Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine." "That's right!" He says.

After she strips, he starts groping her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now? "Sure," she says, "you're checking for lumps."

The doctor, growing more bold, slips his finger between her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes, you're checking for any problems down there." "That's exactly right!" The doctor says.

He can't contain himself any longer and proceeds to pull out his cock and begin thrusting it in and out of her like a crazed animal.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" The doctor asks, panting. The woman responds, "Yes, you're getting herpes."


----------



## James m

Two Communists are hanging out at a nudist park.

One says, "So, have you read Marx?"

"Yeah, it's these damn wicker chairs."


Guy invites friend over for dinner

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the dumb shit is thinking about getting married.”


----------



## James m

How is an American teen girl different from an Arab teen girl.

An American teen girl gets stoned*before*she has sex.


----------



## paraquack

A disease is spreading rapidly thru the US. It's called Capistrano Disease.
People are finding it harder and harder to swallow all the $hit coming out 
of Washington. A cure is not expected for at least a year or so as more 
and more people are becoming sick.


----------



## paraquack

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway 
just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what 
the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!”

I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told 
me that she was pregnant! I knew she had been trying for a while so I told her,
“That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more…”

So I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she 
knew. She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually 
had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”


----------



## paraquack

So three months later, the same blonde neighbor lady comes over looking a bit depressed.
I couldn't help myself and asked, "What's the matter?"

"I just came from the doctor's office. I had an ultrasound and he told me I was pregnant 
with triplets. Twin were bad enough, but I don't know how I'm going to deal with being 
pregnant for 27 months!"


----------



## paraquack

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight 
from Dublin to New York, I was busy reading a Tom Clancy paperback I just bought 
at the airport when a flight attendant made an announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible 
mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this 
has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received 
only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." 

For some moments the passengers around me muttered their discontent rather loudly. 
As the noise died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their 
meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for our remaining 
7 hour flight." The cheers were defening. 
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change 
their minds, we still have 36 dinners available."


----------



## paraquack

The last company I worked for, a steel processing plant, the three owners fired the general 
manager because it was loosing money for 3 straight years. When the new boss came in 
and was introduced, he made it clear he was determined to rid the company of all slackers 
and bring the company back to profitability.

On a tour of the facilities with the number 2 man, the new general manage noticed a guy 
leaning against a wall near one of the big machines just as the number 2 man was called 
away for an important overseas call. Four employees were busy working on setting the 
machine up for the next product run so it would be ready to run after lunch. The area was 
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He very loudly 
asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, 
and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and 
don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around at the other employees who were 
now staring speechless and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy goof-ball 
did here?"

The silence was deafening when finally the lead machine operator said, "He was 
delivering our pizzas for lunch."


----------



## paraquack

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun 
as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s 
nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get 
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”


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## slewfoot

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
AND I'M SORRY, BUT DUE TO OBAMACARE THEY TURNED YOU DOWN


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## Arklatex

A man boarded an airplane and after getting his seat he noticed the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen! She was headed straight to him and as fate would have it she took the seat next to him. Eager to strike up a conversation with her he asked "business or pleasure?"

She smiled and said "business, I'm heading to the annual Nymphomaniacs convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous babe he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a Nymphomaniac meeting! Struggling to maintain composure he asked her what her business was at the convention.

"Lecturer" she said. "I use my personal experiences to debunk popular myths about sexuality"

"Really, So what are some of these myths?" He asked.

"Well, one of them is that black men are said to be the most well endowed of all men, when in fact the Native American man is more likely to possess that trait. Another is that Frenchman are the best lovers, but that's simply not true. Men of Mexican heritage are actually the best lovers. I have also discovered that men of the ******* variety absolutely have the best stamina of any men."

Suddenly the woman blushed. She said "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be discussing all this with you... I don't even know your name."

"Tonto" the man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba"


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## Urinal Cake

Mish said:


> Conservatives don't lie. lol


You mean little r republicans don't lie.


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## A Watchman

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"


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## Quip

potus


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## paraquack

British humor!
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the M1, near Birmingham, England.
He asks a Police officer who is walking from car to car, speaking to
each driver, about the delay.

The Policeman says, "There are three Radical Muslims blocking the
traffic and threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set 
themselves on fire if we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East.
So we're taking up a collection for them."

The man replies, "How much have you got so far?"

The Policemen responds, "About 60 litres, but a lot of people are
still siphoning."


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## icewolf

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


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## paraquack

*Einstein has been proven correct once more!*

Einstein developed proof of this remarkable formula: Energy = Mass x Speed of Light squared. 
Another lesser known of Einstein's formulas determined: If you were to strip naked and run 
around in a circle at the speed of 298 KM/sec (the speed of light) it could be possible for you 
to screw yourself.

Should you determine you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you 
can easily accomplish the same result by voting Democratic in the Nov. 8, 2016 election.

No need to thank me - just glad to be of service!!!!


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## Arklatex

A ******* love poem:

Suzy lee done fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her Suzy gal, you'll have to find another.
Please don't tell your momma but Joe is your half brother.

Suzy put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy he said there's trouble still...

You can't marry Will my gal and please don't tell your mother.
Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is your half brother.

But momma knew a said to her just do what makes you happy.
Marry Joe or marry will, you ain't no kin to pappy!


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## A Watchman

Arklatex said:


> A ******* love poem:
> 
> Suzy lee done fell in love.
> She planned to marry Joe.
> She was so happy bout it all she told her pappy so.
> 
> Pappy told her Suzy gal, you'll have to find another.
> Please don't tell your momma but Joe is your half brother.
> 
> Suzy put aside her Joe and planned to marry Will.
> But after telling pappy he said there's trouble still...
> 
> You can't marry Will my gal and please don't tell your mother.
> Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is your half brother.
> 
> But momma knew a said to her just do what makes you happy.
> Marry Joe or marry will, you ain't no kin to pappy!


My friend Arlatex, your kin folk post begs the question..... I know you are just abought as far up in NE Texas as one can get, but just how close to the Arkansas State line are you?


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## Arklatex

A Watchman said:


> My friend Arlatex, your kin folk post begs the question..... I know you are just abought as far up in NE Texas as one can get, but just how close to the Arkansas State line are you?


To quote my good friend Sarah Palin... I can see it from my backyard!


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## A Watchman




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## A Watchman

Delete


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## Arklatex




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## paraquack

I was In a bar the other night and saw three hefty young ladies sitting at the bar and couldn’t help but over hear them talking. Thier accent appeared to be Scottish and after a few shots worked up the courage to go over and ask them if they were indeed Scottish. 
“Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales.”
I immediately apologized, “I’m so sorry, are you whales from Scotland?”
The doctor feels I’ll be out in time fore Christmas.


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## paraquack

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."


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## paraquack

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have 
four hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'


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## paraquack

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." 

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'My God, look, he's moving!"


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## paraquack

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


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## poojasl1

hi,

i am agree my dear.


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## paraquack

Letter from Putin to Obama
Hey, I was wondering if you're ok. I just read that DC Police found an 
unidentified man's nude body. They described him as having a Beer Belly, 
Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. You were the only one I could think of.
Putin


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## paraquack

The following questions are in this year's GED examination. These questions required essay type answers
These are genuine answers (from 19 year olds after 6 years of education under the liberal Dept of Education)

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on you having?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.


Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)?

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (that would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. 

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


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## Auntie

Warning, do not read this while drinking your morning coffee.


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## ItsJustMe

True Story.

Went to the local hardware store the other day, wearing my dirty paint clothes, stiff and sore from crawling around the bathroom floors (2), under sinks, on ladders, etc. I knew when I got back home I would have to figure out what to cook for my supper when I am just too worn out to even care. PBJ? Can of soup?

I overheard a man at the checkout say, "Now my wife can help me paint." I almost burst out laughing because my first thought was, "Yes, and then you can help her do the dishes, laundry, and clean up the mess." How I managed to keep my mouth shut is a miracle.


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## bigwheel

paraquack said:


> I was In a bar the other night and saw three hefty young ladies sitting at the bar and couldn’t help but over hear them talking. Thier accent appeared to be Scottish and after a few shots worked up the courage to go over and ask them if they were indeed Scottish.
> “Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?”
> One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales.”
> I immediately apologized, “I’m so sorry, are you whales from Scotland?”
> The doctor feels I’ll be out in time fore Christmas.


Now thats worth trying to remember. Gotta swipe it. Sorry.


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