# Sat morning humor. Favorite Marine/Military Sayings



## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Here are few I've said, been said to me or I have heard said.

Place: Bar in Subic Bay, PI. Said very loud.

"Chief? Chief? I thought that said Chef"! While looking at his belly. Got punched for that.


Place: Whore House just down the street from the above, different tour. Also very loud.

"Yes honey, the Navy DID invent Sex, The Marines just included WOMAN"! Yes, got slammed for that one too.


Place: Bar in Patia Beach, Thailand. Said too loud to a Lt.Jg Navy Seal.

"Yes Sir, the Marines are a Department of the Navy, the MENS Department" Yep, you guessed it. Again.


Dickskinners = Hands. As in "Get your Dickskinners out of your Army Gloves" (Pockets)

Boogerhook = Finger. As in "Keep your Boogerhook off the Bangswitch (Trigger) until you have a target".

POG = People other than grunts. As in "****ing non hacking POG Cheesedick" Also see RAMF = Rear Area Muther****er". or REMF = Rear Echelon MF'r.

Bam = Broad Assed Marine or WM = Female Marine.

OK, your turn. Share the love.
Maxx


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## Prepared One (Nov 5, 2014)

Love it! Thanks for the smile this morning.


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## sparkyprep (Jul 5, 2013)

From a Navy vet buddy of mine-

The colors of a certain branch's uniform-
Blue, for the seas that you never crossed.
Red, for the blood you never spilled.
Yellow, for the reason why.

He said it started many a friendly bar fight in his time.


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## wallyLOZ (May 12, 2013)

Also from a Navy vet: Marines are the ones wearing skirts, so the sailors will have somebody to dance with when they get to port.


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

Army Drill Sergeant talking about paratroopers:
"Ain't but two things fall outa the sky, son. Birdshit and fools."


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## Maine-Marine (Mar 7, 2014)

If you have to eat a crap sandwich, take big bites...

gysgt D


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## wallyLOZ (May 12, 2013)

From a submariner friend: Left port as 120 sailors, came back as 60 couples.


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## Becca (Sep 28, 2014)

It'a FUBAR. The SNAFU is on their side. I was the Private Benjamin of the Marine Corp, I remember my CO asking me why I ever joined her Marines, to which I replied "Ma'am, I love organization and I love men, so I joined an organization of men." I was 6ft tall,170 lbs, and could dead lift 200 lbs-I was also 36-22-36, they had to special order my uniforms and I was told my figure was "unacceptable" by my DI, who had just gotten chewed out by the CO during uniform fitting, with much finger pointing in my direction. I remember asking her exactly what did they think I could make go away? BAM-Bad Ass Marine who is going to BAM BAM your head. I was offered a medical discharge in '74 and my then CO told me if I didn't take it,she would find some way to court martial me. My stories of the Marine Corp are way different then other people's.:roll:


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Love it Becca.
Thx

I demanded a court martial during NJP. The Col didn't know whether to shit or go blind. He knew I had him, so he transferred me to Iwakuni Japan instead.
Military Justice? yea right.
Maxx


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

FISHDO
F it Shit Happens, Drive ON.

BOHICA
Bend over here it comes again.


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## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

My 1st Sgt, to the what if's "First Sgt what id this happens" "If my sister had a dick she would be my brother now wouldn't she" If a bullfrog had wings, we wouldn't bump his ass when he jumped.


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## keith9365 (Apr 23, 2014)

Favorite saying in the Navy "I've pissed more salt water than you ever crossed!"


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## keith9365 (Apr 23, 2014)

Jeep said:


> My 1st Sgt, to the what if's "First Sgt what id this happens" "If my sister had a dick she would be my brother now wouldn't she" If a bullfrog had wings, we wouldn't bump his ass when he jumped.


If your aunt had balls she'd be your uncle!


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## Jeep (Aug 5, 2014)

I was up for an NJP for signing out a humvee as duty driver 2 days in a row. My Marine a PFC was losing his mom to MS, he needed to go home so I took his day. But I asked him if I could just sign it out to him so no one would think anything of it. Before I got to see the Captain, he came in and said "Corporal Weber quit looking like that your scaring the shit out of me". He looked at the evidence and called BS on the E-6 that charged me with forging documents.


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## Salt-N-Pepper (Aug 18, 2014)

Not really humor, but a story from my past. Military brat, Kadena, Okinawa (we still owned it at the time), circa 1968.

My dad and I were riding our bicycles around the track that ran on the outside of the base's flight line. It was a restricted area but I was just a kid and my dad signed us in (he was a technical engineer for a major aerospace company). We were riding and were passing a hanger that was open on both ends (but blocked the view from above), and there was a UFO in the hanger (I was about 7-8)

The "spaceship" was as long as a C130 and had two huge Buck Rodgers type rocket engines... twin tails and they were pointed off at a funny angle and the wing was so thin there's no way it could possibly fly short of some magic.

There were men in the hanger and they were fueling the space ship, and the fuel was coming right out the bottom of the plane, it was leaking all over the place into this huge trough.... 

I pointed and screamed "Daddy, LOOK, a SPACE SHIP!!!!" 

"Stop pointing," he said, "Put your finger down. That hanger is empty, there's nothing in it."

"But Dad, LOOK!!!" I yelled.

"Son," he said. "Put your finger down, and stop staring. That hanger is empty, if anybody ever asks you or wants to talk about anything in that hanger, you tell me right away. Don't say anything to anybody, not even mom. This will be our secret, OK?"

As I am sure anybody familiar with the era has figured out, it was one of the first deployments of the SR-71 Blackbird (which locally was called the Habu). The plane was supposed to have flown the night before and the hanger was supposed to be empty, Dad told me years later, but there was a problem with the electronics that put them several hours behind schedule... he never would have taken me out there if he had known the bird hadn't flown on time, and the guard who signed us in should have known that as well...

OK, not funny, but I hadn't thought of that in a long time.


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

My Dad worked his entire life at Pratt & Whitney Aircraft, a large portion of that in High Altitude Testing. He had a part in the development of the engines in the SR-71 Blackbird.
He had a Top Secret government clearance, and would never reveal the performance figures for that aircraft. The published figures were intentionally lower than real, so he said. When I asked him what the true figures were, he would not tell me. His own son.
Dad passed away in March, 2000. 
I still miss him.


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## Salt-N-Pepper (Aug 18, 2014)

Old SF Guy said:


> I do not indulge or tolerate liars....at all.


I lived at Kadena as I stated, I saw the plane as mentioned. No need to say any more since you won't believe anything I say, I will just say good day sir.


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Well I don't know. 
I do know that the fuel tanks on the SR-71 were famous for leaking while on the ground. The design was such that they didn't seal until the bird was at altitude or speed. It had to be refueled very shortly after takeoff.

I hesitate to dispute the memory of a child as I know that what I saw as a child may be tainted by time. Memories change and lets face it, security does fail.. I don't know. i just might not have been on attack brother.
Maxx


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

OK, here is my favorite story about growing up on a Military Base.

My real name (before I legally changed it years later and for obvious reasons) was Ronald McDonald. yes really.

When we lived at Ft.Belvoir Virginia, my best friend name was Charles Brown III. yes Charlie Brown. Yes really.

There was no high school on base so we had to take the bus to Hayfield Secondary.

Charlie was a Junior and I was a Freshman. One afternoon we were on the bus coming home form school. Seated near the back left of the bus Charlie was next to the window me next to him. a we approached the gate Charley raised up and shot a paperclip or folder piece of paper out the window bouncing it off the window of a Green staff car that was passing us on our left. the Staff car screeched to a stop at the gate. The MP just nodded his head obviously signalling that he had seen Charlies transgression. The bus was stopped the MP, a huge fellow in a white MP helmet got on, walked to the back leaned over me and asked Charley what his name was. Charlie just looked up and just as smart assed as he could muster said "Charley Brown, what's yours" The no longer smiling MP reached down and jerked Charley right out of the seat. Woooosh. He was dragging Charlie off the bus, stopped, turned around and said to me. And whats your name son. I of course responded with an equally smart assed "RONALD MCDONALD". And woooosh, I was being dragged off the bus too.

Stuffed into the Gate hut we were told to call our fathers. 10 minutes latter Col. Brown and Maj. McDonald arrived to claim their sons. LOL


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Another favorite saying that I still use today.

OUT****INGSTANDING!


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## csi-tech (Apr 13, 2013)

US Sixth Fleet Motto: Peace through superior firepower

USS Iwo Jima LPH-2 Motto: Do it right the first time

General Douglas "Mac" MacArthur: "Duty, Honor, Country"


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Front towards enemy.


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

So in he category of funny crap I've done.

I had this Warrant Officer who was a real dick.. I mean this guy had his picture in the Dictionary under DICK. He was horrible. One of those guys who climbed the success ladder on the broken backs and careers of others. Ultimately he was rewarded with a very prestigious posting to CENTCOM.

So, several of us were around one day having a cold beer and marveling at how well this weasel negotiated the various hoops when I had an idea. 

I called around to a friend (Navy Doc) who had been at the internal med unit there and got the number.

Called the medical department and explained that i was a "Good Friend" of this fellow and really needed to reach him before the county health department got to him. He really needs to hear this from me. My name is XXXXX and he has my number, please have him call.

Well, as the story goes, that spread like wildfire through the offices and when he checked in, had to undergo some very special tests.
Maxx


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

I remember a few sayings we had in the army, but I prefer not to pass them along. They contain profanity, so I will refrain from passing them along as _any gentleman_ would.

Besides, you have probably already heard them.


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## MrsInor (Apr 15, 2013)

Listen to the Lt - hear the Sgt.


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

46th Field Artillery Group motto: Steel On Target
5th Infantry Division motto: We Will 
(And We Did, by God!)


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## rice paddy daddy (Jul 17, 2012)

MrsInor said:


> Listen to the Lt - hear the Sgt.


The most dangerous thing in the world is a 2nd Lt with a map.


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Standby to standby


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## MrsInor (Apr 15, 2013)

rice paddy daddy said:


> The most dangerous thing in the world is a 2nd Lt with a map.


You could just shorten it - The most dangerous thing in the world is a 2nd Lt.


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

No RPD, it's a tie between a 2nd Lt with a map and a compass and a North Korean with a shovel.


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## slewfoot (Nov 6, 2013)

Subic Bay the Philippine's , down town Olongapo in a dimly lit bar but enough lite to see a lot of white navy uniforms when the door opens and I can make out 3 marine uniforms and out of my big mouth came "look at the jarheads", well there were more marines in that bar than I thought. The fight was on and when the MP's and police arrived the bartender started yelling "he said it" over and over again with his finger pointing at me. Long story short, I spent 30 days in the brig for inciting a riot. 
'


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

slewfoot said:


> Subic Bay the Philippine's , down town Olongapo in a dimly lit bar but enough lite to see a lot of white navy uniforms when the door opens and I can make out 3 marine uniforms and out of my big mouth came "look at the jarheads", well there were more marines in that bar than I thought. The fight was on and when the MP's and police arrived the bartender started yelling "he said it" over and over again with his finger pointing at me. Long story short, I spent 30 days in the brig for inciting a riot.
> '


Oh, but that is funny! :lol:


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## slewfoot (Nov 6, 2013)

Don't know about now but in those days The guard's at the brig were marines. Longest 30 days of my life.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

When I was stationed in Germany, my bad influence running buddy was an infantryman before he became an MP. He had a framed Article XV on the wall. He was proud of it as it was a life-changer for him.

While stationed in Vicenza, he went down town for several beers and a raucous time. Of course, the beers and the attitudes caused the MPs to be called to round up him and his friends. Being good infantrymen, they didn't go without a fight, and Jim got knocked to the ground. While face down on the ground, he saw a bloused-booted leg of an MP. He grabbed the leg, pulled the blousing up, and bit the snot out of the MP. Before he blanked out due to the night stick making it nightie-night time for him, he realized he wanted to be an MP dog handler! :lol:

Jim was more aggressive than the sentry dogs we worked, and he and I had more than one "talk" with the first sergeant due to his bad influence when off duty and downtown. :-D


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

I was on town patrol in Iwakuni Japan way back in the late 70's. The bars then were a hoppin. On one occasion I stopped a drunk Marine riding a bike. I told him he needed to dismount and walk the bike down the hill. Of course 5 minutes later he was coming at me on the bike straight down hill. My Nightstick somehow found its way in the spokes of his front tire and he went butt over bars. Bounce, bounce, splat into the open running sewer. Well the OD had seen it and reported it to the Provost Marshall and they grounded me to the MP Armory for two week punishment.

Big mistake. The zero's and Staff NCO's were doin pistol range that week. So they drew their 45s, spent two days range time and on the 3rd (Qual day) I broke out the golden hammer of justice and tapped the crap out their sites. They were some sad looking individuals when they turned their shooters back in that afternoon.
Maxx


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

So, did anyone else have to run around the squad bay with a trash can over their head flapping their hands at the wrist like little wings yelling "Shit birds can't fly, shit birds can't fly". All the while the DI is yelling Fly shit bird Fly.

Oh, fun times!!!!


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## Kahlan (Sep 16, 2014)

Maxx I think we have found your thread.  Good stuff!


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## OC40 (Sep 16, 2014)

Well I hate to disappoint you all but 99% of the above will now find you in the EO/Sexual Harassment office with your career in the wind. IF anything you say is found offensive by anyone in the space expect a trip to the Chief, the EO and most likely DRB followed by XOi and Mast...IF you are senior enough you might get to retire if not, well you can guess. 

After being told to change our mess logo (same logo that has been used fleet wide) for being too masculine a few of us "old guys" sat around and vented about how things have changed.

The lesson, watch your mouth shipmate you never know.


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Yep, you are right. things have changed. Glad I'm long done with it. 
They would be pretty hard pressed to come after us old guys, but today you better watch you 6 but good.


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## keith9365 (Apr 23, 2014)

Some of the dive lockers I was stationed at contained the largest collection of freaking nut cases you would ever want to meet. I miss those guys. We had alot of fun. Most of the stuff we did would get you kicked out these days. There is no brotherhood on the outside like you find in the military.


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## BagLady (Feb 3, 2014)

I want to say something funny like; "Damn OSFG, Why don't you tell us how you really feel?"

But. I get it. My Dad felt the same way about the women who were always promoted before he was.
Because of minority laws, sometimes white males have to climb higher mountains to prove themselves.
I don't think there are very many people who havent felt the ugliness of discrimination at one time or other.
It just sucks.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

Nobody can make you - unless you let them.

I was a grain of salt in a pepper shaker at a Nike Hercules site. On top of that, an MP. I was loved by none at all.

Next duty station, I was given a squad of handlers - all black expect for one kid who thought he was black. If the chain of command wasn't comprised of Klansmen, it was only because they didn't know how to join. I guess they thought the Johnny Reb Sgt. would know how to deal with the blacks. On the contrary, I ruined an Army career protecting my soldiers. That's what an NCO does. 

Experience has only strengthened me, while at the same time taught me people of all colors are to be watched with suspicion.

What is the old saying; have a smile for everyone, and a plan to kill them, too?


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## keith9365 (Apr 23, 2014)

I spent my first 4 years on ships, destroyers and frigates. After I went to dive training it was only guys like me because....well.....we did ALOT of swimming. You know, like under water.


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## Denton (Sep 18, 2012)

keith9365 said:


> I spent my first 4 years on ships, destroyers and frigates. After I went to dive training it was only guys like me because....well.....we did ALOT of swimming. You know, like under water.


I was taught you swim on the surf and dive, below. :lol:


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## BagLady (Feb 3, 2014)

:lol:


keith9365 said:


> I spent my first 4 years on ships, destroyers and frigates. After I went to dive training it was only guys like me because....well.....we did ALOT of swimming. You know, like under water.


:lol: I had to read that 4 times before I got it..


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## BagLady (Feb 3, 2014)

Sorry Maxx. Looks like your thread took a turn..


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## keith9365 (Apr 23, 2014)

BagLady said:


> :lol::lol: I had to read that 4 times before I got it..


Of all the time I was in the Navy diving community I only met two black divers.


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

They always do LOL

Marines Drill Instructor gets on the bus and says. From now on, your no longer crackers, or *****, or ******, or gooks or *******. You are all GREEN. Light Green, Dark Green and Green Card. I want dark Green in the back, light green in the front and green card in between.
Maxx


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

When I ran Town Patrol in Japan I had two real problem children.

One a White kid from Louisiana and one a Black Kid from Detroit. Pure Hate. I really didn't care except that it interfered with mission and was making living in our little barracks very difficult. So I went to the 1st Shirt (1st Sgt = Senior Enlisted Marine) with a plan. I took the plan from my football years where we had an outstanding receiver, who for whatever reason couldn't catch the ball LOL. 

So I had a meeting with the two Marines in the 1st Sgt's office. The 1st Sgt wasn't there but allowed me to use his office and I sat at his desk. The meaning was clear. From that moment on, these two were not to be further than one 30 inch step from each other. Not to shit, or shower or eat or sleep. This rule applied 24 hours a day. And would be enforced for one 30 day period. An amazing thing happened. Both ended up spending a bit of time at medical the first week. It seemed pretty equal in damage so I didn't intervene, then it got better. At the end of the 30 days I told them their time was up. They just nodded and went their own way. Together. For the next 3 months I was there I never saw these two knuckleheads apart.
Maxx


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## BagLady (Feb 3, 2014)

Well done! :lol:


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Rat on a pipe

In 79/80 I was stationed in Iwakuni Japan as an MP.
Our Barracks was a squat two story flat topped "Temp" building that was built for the influx of Marines during Vietnam. Picture two double wides stacked. This housed the bulk of PMO enlisted personnel and it was placed strategically next to the WM (Woman Marine) Barracks. I guess someone figured the ladies would be safer with the MP's next door.

The WM barracks was a large brick three story. A proper building in dimensions, the 2nd story was just lower than our roof line. The second story was also where all the showers for that building were located. Hence the following story. 

We had a habit of setting our lawn chairs (procured from the Golf course and Officers pool) on the roof of our building. During the day they were stacked under a tarp. But at night we would go up and look slightly down into the WM's second floor showers. The glass was only lightly fogged so you could pick out who was who.

We had our beer and red neck tv all set up.

We also had the Rat. We called him such, not because he would rat people out, but because he strongly resembled one. Beady little eyes, mustache and face. Well one night the Rat had way way to much to drink and he slithered off the roof. We thought he was heading for the rack.

Nope. About 10 minutes later one of the Marines said "What the hell is that"?

It was the Rat. He was climbing up the heavy pipe downspout that ran midway on the building from the roof to the ground.

We just watched in total amazement as he would get up two feet and slide down one. Betting began as to whether he would make it. Finally he made it the 2nd floor windows.

We watched as he with one hand on the pipe and one hand on his pecker, with his little rat face pressed against he glass began to pleasure himself.

All was going quite well for the Rat until one of the ladies saw him and screamed. At that the Rat let go of the pipe and fell to the ground with a huge thud. Still clutching his pipe so to speak he just laid there. We all scrambled from the roof, I ordered a couple men to put away the gear and several of us dragged the Rat back into the barracks.

Pt 2 to come.

Maxx


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Rat on a pipe Part 2

So with the Rat in his bunk sleeping it off and all our gear put away, we figured we were golden. No problems.
But what we didn't know was that the WM's duty NCO had called both PMO and the Officer of the day. The On duty MP's and The OD showed up quickly and began taking statements. The offended WM with her hair still in a towel looked towards the sea wall. (Sea Wall, an elevated wall of stone that ran the length of the sea ward side of the base and had a road on it.) Anyway, she looked at the sea wall behind our barracks and yelled "There he goes".... it was just some poor Marine who couldn't sleep and had decided to run the 4.5 mile loop. Anyway, this Marine had no idea what was going on and didn't stop running. The OD jumped into his Jeep and the MP's jumped into their patrol vehicle and gave chase. The MP's caught up to him first and the guy resisted??? I was't there so I don't know what happened. The OD showed up and off this poor bastard went to the holding facility.

So the next day we got word that there was going to be a Courts Marshall of the runner for Conduct Unbecoming, Assault and a host of other crimes.

We had a Barracks meeting to discuss the issue.

The Rat, having no knowledge of the night offered himself up, but we wanted to find some way around that. Finally, we decided to talk to one of his friends. Got his entire step by step movements for the evening which luckily included going to the Ville and the bowling alley and we pieced together a pretty good alibi. Of course none of us had seen him at any of these places but the statements were pretty air tight. The only charge we couldn't fix was the assault on the detaining MP's, who were not at all pleased with the situation. They finally posited that perhaps he had misunderstood their directions to him and with the lights in his face was defending himself from perceived attack. It was bull shit. The PMO a Major saw right through it all and the SJA was equally skeptical but the charges were dropped.
Maxx


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## Maxxdad (Feb 5, 2014)

Rat on a pipe Part 2

So with the Rat in his bunk sleeping it off and all our gear put away, we figured we were golden. No problems.
But what we didn't know was that the WM's duty NCO had called both PMO and the Officer of the day. The On duty MP's and The OD showed up quickly and began taking statements. The offended WM with her hair still in a towel looked towards the sea wall. (Sea Wall, an elevated wall of stone that ran the length of the sea ward side of the base and had a road on it.) Anyway, she looked at the sea wall behind our barracks and yelled "There he goes".... it was just some poor Marine who couldn't sleep and had decided to run the 4.5 mile loop. Anyway, this Marine had no idea what was going on and didn't stop running. The OD jumped into his Jeep and the MP's jumped into their patrol vehicle and gave chase. The MP's caught up to him first and the guy resisted??? I was't there so I don't know what happened. The OD showed up and off this poor bastard went to the holding facility.

So the next day we got word that there was going to be a Courts Marshall of the runner for Conduct Unbecoming, Assault and a host of other crimes.

We had a Barracks meeting to discuss the issue.

The Rat, having no knowledge of the night offered himself up, but we wanted to find some way around that. Finally, we decided to talk to one of his friends. Got his entire step by step movements for the evening which luckily included going to the Ville and the bowling alley and we pieced together a pretty good alibi. Of course none of us had seen him at any of these places but the statements were pretty air tight. The only charge we couldn't fix was the assault on the detaining MP's, who were not at all pleased with the situation. They finally posited that perhaps he had misunderstood their directions to him and with the lights in his face was defending himself from perceived attack. It was bull shit. The PMO a Major saw right through it all and the SJA was equally skeptical but the charges were dropped.
Maxx


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